As it goes

Disclaimer: this is not the happiest of posts, which I apologize for. But I'm not the happiest of girls right now, either. So, I guess read along if you don't mind a sad post for today...

Sorry for going MIA last week... it was a long week. It's only been two weeks since the break-up, but it feels like it's been much, much longer. As it goes.

I can honestly say I'm doing okay considering. I had my moments and days last week when I was honestly doing okay, too. But at random moments, without warning, I come apart and the tears flow at their own will. As it goes.

There is no communication between me and the now ex-BF, at least for awhile. Time and space to heal is important. Maybe we can be friends down the road, I hope we can... only time will tell. As it goes.

When it rains, it definitely pours... last week a part of my tooth broke off, so I got to make an emergency visit to the dentist for a crown. Sans insurance, much anxiety and $900 later. As it goes.

My future is completely up in the air. I have some serious, big decisions to make in the next week or two. I'm out of money... I'm no longer eligible for student loans (because this is my second bachelor's and I used 'em for my first) and I qualify for so few scholarships and free aid (again, because this is my second bachelor's). I'm currently trying to pay off several, several grand from last semester's tuition, but I'm not making much headway, and I'm getting very (scarily) behind with all my other debts because of it. Honestly, I'm not sure if I'll be finishing my final two semesters. Things are grim. And the tears begin again... as it goes.

(Compliments of We Heart It)

A bit of silver lining... my hamstring is getting better and stronger a little each day. I'm dancing a little, and last Friday was my first day back to ballet class. I did basic, baby stuff, but it felt so good to move and be in my tights and leotards again. I can't believe I'm saying that (I have a love-hate with leos...). I'm also back to my Tae-Bo workouts, albeit modified to be gimp-style :)

The healing hammy is a good thing for sure, but I'm not sure how much it actually makes me feel better, knowing I might not be dancing and continuing my training here soon. Nothing is set it stone yet and there is still so much up in the air, but reality is reality and I have to accept it. But wow, does it suck sweaty leotards. Really.

As it goes.

(Oh, P.S... Thank you for all of your supportive comments to my last post... they truly meant so much to me... it's so crazy to feel loved by people I've never met before, and may never meet, but it's so heartwarming. I'm very grateful for each and every comment, thought and prayer...)

xoxo
J

Hamstrings and heartache

Healing and recovery is moving right along with the hammy. It's hella slow, but it is getting better a little each day.

I saw the PT on Tuesday morning and this is the latest scoop... the second dance concert of the semester is next week. Last week I was quite confident that my leg would be ready to start dancing, but my PT has other ideas. She told me that hamstring injuries take 4-6 weeks to heal, and that's only healing time. Rehabbing to get back to where I was pre-injury is after that. Next week is only Injury Week 4. So. No dancing for me yet.

Putting it in numbers helps me wrap my head around it and have a better idea what's going on when. Much better than where I was last week, when things were still up in the air and I couldn't tell anyone anything more than "I don't know" and "maybe" when they asked me when I'll start dancing and if I'll perform in the next concert. Having a time line to work within works much better for me. The PT gave me more exercises to start adding to my daily regimen, and I'm just plugging away at those.

I'm being patient out of necessity, but it's not easy. Because of an unexpected (read: unwelcome) change in my life, which I will get to in a minute, sitting around is getting even harder. And there is so much dance that I'm missing... ballet placement auditions for next year, Tour Dance Company auditions for next year, Tour performances (today is our last, *sigh*)... I have been attending rehearsals for the remaining concerts, taking notes and starting to "mark" the choreography (which means just walking through movement) to make sure I don't forget it. The PT thinks I will be good to go for the final concert of the semester, which will be Injury Week 6. Fingers crossed.

I've been putting off writing this next business all week... reading my last post, last weekend I was truly happy and had a renewed feeling of "life is good!" The weather is getting warmer, my leg is healing and I just felt good. The BF and I had fun weekend plans... the day in Denver together? Well, it didn't happen.

The BF and I broke up. I don't even know how the break-up conversation got started. As planned on Saturday night, we had dinner, watched a movie and then we started talking... and then 4 or 5 hours later, we were no longer.

(source: We Heart It)

What it boils down to is we are not on the same page emotionally. I have stronger feelings for him than he has for me, and he doesn't think its fair to me to continue in the relationship. It hurts like hell and I just can't wrap my head around this, but what do you say to that?? I mean, you can't make someone love you.

It was so unexpected. We were happy. Nothing was wrong. Neither of us did anything wrong. In a way, that makes it hurt worse. Everything was fine, we were happy! We care about each other, have feelings for each other... mine are just stronger.

Oh friends....

xoxo
J

Oh lovely Saturday!!

It's amazing what a good night's sleep, sans bad dreams, does for a girl! I woke up today feeling like a normal human being again - so relieved!

Although, really, I started feeling better last night once I was home and had some me-time... I picked up a healthy dinner from Whole Paycheck... er, Whole Foods... got a bottle of vino, and picked up a couple of those dance movies I listed in my last post. I ended up renting Mad Hot Ballroom and All That Jazz.

Mad Hot Ballroom was so good! It's about a ballroom dance program that New York Public Schools started in 1994, and eventually became a normal part of the schools' curricula. 11- and 12-year-olds learn different ballroom dances... foxtrot, tango, merengue, rumba, swing... and then compete against other schools. Some of the kids struggle with self-esteem, behavioral issues, etc., until participating in the dance program, after which teachers and principals see significant changes for the better. A teacher at one school talked about one boy whom she felt was undoubtedly headed towards life as a thug on the street, but his path completely shifted after participating in the program and now he is a role model and leader to other students at his school. I highly recommend this movie!

All That Jazz wasn't all I hoped it would be... it tells the life story of Bob Fosse, American choreographer, and his womanizing love-affairs and drug addiction along the way. Besides a couple cool dance scenes, it wasn't very good at all. In fact, I kept thinking to myself how weird it was and it didn't keep my attention - I kept fast forwarding through and finally just turned it off. Disappointing, because I love Fosse-style jazz and was very interested in learning more about him. I guess I'll just read Wikipedia. Lame.

Next time I think I'll rent The Turning Point... Mikhail Baryshnikov never disappoints!... and I really, really want find B-Girl. The girl at the video store looked it up for me, and there are no copies in Colorado at all, and Amazon only has three in stock. I might have to rely on TV Shack for that flick.

Enough of my movie reviews... on to my weekend! The rest of my afternoon entails a trip to the store, painting my nails, reading outside in the sun and then whipping up a delectable dinner for the BF and I... pork roast, twice-baked potatoes, artichokes with garlic butter, wine... mmmm... Tomorrow he and I are heading down to Denver to spend the day shopping, perhaps coffee at a cafe, walking around downtown... just spending some quality time together. I've been looking forward to it all week!

What does your weekend have in store??

Have a lovely weekend!!

xoxo
J

The wrong side of the bed

Even though it's Friday and I should be doing a li'l happy-dance and planning all kinds of Friday night shenanigans, I'm in the worst mood of all time today, so no dice. Nothing in particular happened, I just slept horribly last night and had bad dreams, and woke up on the complete wrong side of the bed. It was one of those craptastic days where you want to sleep through it until tomorrow the moment you wake up.

This is how I'd like my Friday night to look: pick up dinner, along with a dance movie or two, get into my sweats in 1.3 seconds upon entering my house and park it on the couch until bedtime, at which time I will simply move myself to bed, pass out and hopefully wake up in a normal, happy mood tomorrow. I'm looking forward to my weekend, so the sooner I can get to Saturday, the better.

So that's what I'm going to do. I will be searching for these dance flicks at my local video store...








Some things to inspire mama, 'cause mama needs a pick-me-up.

Hope you all have a fab Friday night, and Happy Weekend!!

xoxo
J

Student Dance Concert, check!

The concert went great!! After a hot mess of a dress rehearsal Thursday night, both Friday and Saturday's shows were stellar. There is an adage in the dance world that says a horrible dress rehearsal means a great show, and I'm so glad it held true. Feedback from many people was that it was one of the best concerts they've seen at CSU! Yay!!

As promised, here are some pictures from the weekend. First, some outfit pics. S and I introduced the show each night, so we got all dolled up for our speech...

Friday night... no injury was going to keep me from rockin' the boots and LBD!

Saturday night... sunshiney happiness for S and another LBD for me

I heart my LBD from H&M

Not sure if you can see in the second or third pic, but yes, we are wearing tiaras...


One of the dancers gave S and I Easter baskets filled with candy and all kinds of other fun stuff, including our "SDC Director" tiaras... so fun!! I wore it alllllll night :)

The giver of the tiaras

Can't forget the quintessential locker room picture...

Me with the lovely J

Of course, if I wasn't a gimp I would have pics of me in fun dance outfits and me actually dancing. Next time...

Update on the hammy... it still bothers me, but the initial scary pain is gone and I'm finally walking normally. It's a slow process, though, and you'd be surprised how many basic, everyday movements require a healthy hammy... um, picking something up off the floor? Getting into the car? Putting on pants?? Sheesh! At this point it bothers me most when I'm sitting at work or in the car. That seems strange, but the injury is near my sit bone (in the butt region), so it's not surprising. I've started alternating heat with ice, and still on ibuprofen for inflammation. My PT gave me a couple new exercises, that are supposed to strengthen the area. But this doesn't mean they are weight bearing or anything... they are very simple exercises that suddenly aren't so easy. I'm still not dancing this week and I don't know yet when I can start transitioning back to it. I have an appointment with the PT next Tuesday, so she'll reassess where I'm at then.

I'm getting really antsy with not being able to do anything. It's funny how quickly your attitude changes once you can't do something... before the injury, I would sometimes whine about how tired or sore I was, secretly wishing for a class or rehearsal to be canceled so I could park it on the couch. Now I'm hyper aware of everyone who can do anything physical... watching my peers in rehearsal, people running or biking as I drive around town, my BF going to the gym... it sucks. So yeah, lesson learned to be grateful each day for the ability to dance in class or rehearsal. You never know when it will be taken away, even in a temporary situation like this.

xoxo
J

It's only one show

So, I finally came to terms with my decision to not dance in this concert. After dozens of conversations with friends, classmates, professors and the BF, and a solid crying session, I know that it's going to be okay and it isn't the end of the world to miss this one concert. It is just one concert.

Yes, some people are disappointed that I won't be dancing, but I can't compromise my body and career for the sake of trying to make everyone happy. That would be silly. And my leg doesn't even feel that much better. In fact, for whatever reason, it hurts more than it did yesterday... so obviously, it's telling me to chill and just be director tonight.

And I have wonderful people - my mom, my BFF, my man - who are still just as excited to come see and support the show that I helped put together, even though I won't be onstage. That means the world to me. My BF always says these sweet little things that touch me... this time it was "it's okay babe, I will be imagining you onstage." He's great. So are all of you and your comments, so thank you so much for the comment love to my previous post!!!

So, here's to one rockin' show tonight and tomorrow! I will try to snag the pics from our photo shoot last weekend and post a couple for you all sometime this weekend.

Happy Easter!!

xoxo
J

My head and tummy are the least of my concerns now

The last thing a dancer wants to hear or feel is "pop".

Last night I was rehearsing one of the pieces I'm in for the concert. Determined to get my leg high and straight, that's the exact sensation I felt at the top of my kick. My immediate thought: "oh shit."

Oh shit is right. The pop was followed by a burning sensation that traveled down my leg. I pulled my hamstring.

The next 24 hours leading up until now have been filled with lots of tears, ibuprofen, ice packs and consults with physical therapists. I'm not sure yet what's going to happen for the shows on Friday and Saturday, but at this point, I can only bend my knee far enough to lift my foot about 8 inches off the ground. That doesn't bode well for high extension kicks and splits.

The thought of not performing this weekend kills me. It's the first concert where I made it into more than one or two pieces, and some of them are fierce. Not only that, but it's my Student Concert, I'm co-directing!! And then I feel guilty for my friends and family who are paying for tickets to see me, but might not get to see me. UGH.

I could push through it. I could make it through Friday and Saturday and then take weeks off afterwards to heal and rehab... but that's risky with a hamstring. One of the PT's I talked to today told me that hamstring pulls that aren't healed properly and sufficiently are highly prone to reinjury, and reinjuries are worse than the initial injury. Which then sets you up for chronic problems... which is something to seriously consider when thinking of my career in the big picture. And my pull isn't in the belly of the muscle... it's high at it's insertion point, in my bum region. Meaning I can't wrap it and meaning the pull (tear?? I don't really know without an MRI) is in the tendon, not just the muscle. If you're not familiar with anatomical stuff, just trust me that that isn't good. I could push through. But at what cost???

I know in my heart the right thing to do... I know there will be more dance concerts and performances and that this isn't the end of my career. But when you get attached to something, it is so hard letting go...

xoxo
J

Tummy aches and headaches

Spring Break ended and crap hit the fan the first day back at school last week. The Student Dance Concert opens this weekend, and guess who is a student director? Moi. My partner in directing crime, S, and I have been scrambling since last week to get this show on the road...

We suddenly had showings for the technical crew, press releases to send out, choreographer's to track down for program information and copies of their music, grueling 14-hours of rehearsal over the weekend, photos to take, master cd's to put together for the sound crew, reporters to contact, posters to create and print, technical rehearsals... and the list continues... choreographers are asking us for anything and everything... "Can you cut my music for me?" Um, seriously?? That's not my job!

I'm exhausted on every level. I'm a newbie director and most of the logistics I've had to figure out as I go, which I hate. I'm an easily stressed person to begin with, so disorganization and chaos do not do good things to me... I've had an ongoing headache since last week, my stomach is not functioning normally at all, and of course an angry little cold sore popped out on my lip last week. Pretty. I'm staying afloat purely by the support of my amazing co-director S, my BF (who keeps telling me that this is going to be the most successful Student Dance Concert of all time - thanks babe!), and the dancers who keep telling S and I that we're doing great.

Despite feeling like I've been hit by a truck multiple times, things are coming together and the show is solid. I am very excited for the concert itself - there are so many great pieces, including a sassy, sexy jazz number which I get to dance in. And a Michael Jackson tribute. I choreographed a piece, of course, and I'm quite pleased with it.

I woke up this morning convinced it was Friday. And the night before I had a dream that I went on stage without a top on, but didn't notice until a friend pointed it out to me when I came offstage. Um, this concert is not that kind of show. A bit of anxiety, perhaps??

Yes, it will all come together and everything will work out in the end - it always does - but I will be very happy when Sunday rolls around. Not that I don't have many more things on my plate after the show is over, but I'm very ready for my body to get back to normal...

xoxo
J

Wait, I have nothing to do?? Unheard of!

Wow, I have no plans this weekend, minus the usual Sunday lineup of dance rehearsals - this rarely happens!

I was supposed to be heading up to the mountains tonight to shoot a friends' movie throughout the weekend. But the recent spring snowstorm put a damper on that and forced us to cancel and reschedule. That's the way it goes in Colorado, the land of schizo weather. And now I have more time to polish my Civil War nurse acting skills... :)

So now what?? Without a schedule or agenda, I'm not quite sure what to do with myself... maybe the BF will feel up to going to the movies? I've been waiting to see Alice in Wonderland... and one of my fave Hollywood hotties, Gerard Butler, shows up on the big screen with Jennifer Aniston (a hottie in her own right) in The Bounty Hunter.

(I wouldn't mind being in her shoes...)

Other than movies, there might be some sleeping in, some magazine perusing... the lazy possibilities are endless! 'Cause come Monday, Spring Break is over and it's back to our regularly scheduled program...

Happy weekend, everyone!

xoxo
J

Springtime

T-minus 2 days until it is officially Spring!! The weather here has been fabulous this week, very springy... but in typical Colorado fashion, another snowstorm is on it's way tonight and tomorrow. But it's okay! I can handle it! I'm not going to freak out with an I-hate-winter temper tantrum, lol! The snow is more tolerable in the spring... it doesn't stick around as long, we get a few warm days here and there that start breaking up the monotony of snow and cold.

This week is Spring Break. I've spent my time working and taking care of the BF, who had knee surgery last Thursday. He tore his ACL, among other things, playing soccer last summer, and finally got it all fixed up. He is doing great and recovering well, but was stuck in bed most of the week, so I assumed the role of domestic goddess for him... cooking, laundry, "nursing" (which really just meant changing his ice packs, popping in movies and reminding him to take his pain drugs... said drugs made him a bit loopy). He's up and slowly walking around now... and very determined to recover as soon as possible! He was such a good patient... and recovered much better from surgery than I did when I had wrist surgery a couple years ago (soccer breaks you). Anesthesia + Jessi = post-surgery puking. Fun times.

No dancing this week, but I've been doing my Tae Bo videos to keep moving. Billy Blanks is my hero, I swear. I'm starting to get antsy to get back to classes and rehearsals, though. Operation "Get My Chicago Legs Back" must be resumed - shorts/skirts/bikini weather is coming! [For those who weren't with me last summer, I attended a dance intensive last July in Chicago with Deeply Rooted Dance Productions, and while the overall experience went much deeper than how my body looked, I was rather pleased with the appearance of my legs after those four weeks...]

With the spring thaw comes a simultaneous creativity thaw for me... ideas and projects have resurfaced (remember this post?), new inspirations and ideas are forming... in general I'm starting to feel The Buzz stirring inside me... and it feels so good after a long, cold winter of nothing. There are things to do, business to take care of, places to see, adventures to be had...!!

Game on, Spring. Game on!!

xoxo
J