Checking in

On Tuesday of this week I realized that February was only a day away and suddenly I remembered my 2012 non-resolutions. I decided to revisit them to see where I'm at. Not with any intention to feel guilty or pressure to perform, just to get the status update and get myself back on track (or forge a new route, if need be).

So how am I doing?

Dance

I can say that I've worked through the bad juju and I'm finally reclaiming my joy for dance. I have yet to take a hip hop/African/capoeira class, but last night I met up with the ol' swing crew for rehearsal for an upcoming gig. I'm very excited to swing out again!

I'm still sporting the 'tard and tights, have no fear, but there have been some changes. I will go into more detail about them in a future post real soon. Don't worry, things are a-okay. More than okay, actually.

Health/Fitness

In addition to taking my multi-v everyday I've added some other supplements to the arsenal. I've been experiencing random joint pain over the last few weeks, so I decided it was time for some supplements to help keep the joints lubed. This is stupid, but I didn't like buying them. It made me feel old and arthritic. Which is something I'm actually concerned about as my dad has arthritis, but I'm on the low end of my 30s for pete's sake. BUT, after an extensive convo with my pops, he apparently started developing it in his late 30s/early 40s. Hm. No doc visit yet, but more on this later. I've also cut gluten out of my diet this week, at the suggestion of my ballet teacher after I told her about my joint pain. Again, more on all this crazy biz another time.

Work

No freelance writing yet, but it's only February. And the choreography thing - there is a local dance festival to which I'm submitting a solo this month. Have I started choreographing? No. Don't even have music selected. I do have ideas swirling around my brain, though, so that's a start at least.

Community

Sending birthday cards, thank-you notes and picking up the phone? Oy. Let's just say this is still under construction.

Finances

This area of life has always been overwhelming, but I can say for the first time I'm actually making headway. They're baby steps, sure, but at least there is movement forward. I've budgeted my entire month and know where every dollar will be spent. I have a cash envelope system where certain areas of my budget will only be spent with cash - and when it's gone, it's gone. I'm a little nervous about how the month will go, but at least it's short. And if I can make it to the end then I know I can do it next month. Baby steps.

What about you? Where are you at, are you making progress? Don't give up! Even if you've started to neglect the list, forgot about it, losing steam... just pick back up where you left off. No one will know any different. Do it! :)

xoxo
J

Five after 5

Happy Monday!!

Welcome to the newest regular feature here at Better late than never! Every Monday I will feature a randomly-selected list of five things, topics, questions, photos, thoughts... anything that suits my fancy at the moment! The "after 5" part simply means it will all go down after 5pm.

This week's Five after 5: My Man

Ladies and gents, it is my pleasure to introduce Boyfriend...

Isn't he delish?? He's all kinds of smart, funny and talented, too... I'll have to convince him to allow me to feature one of his caricature drawings on le blog someday so you can see his mad talent. I'm a lucky girl. Love him.

xoxo
J

Don't think just _______ (insert goal here)

The biggest priority in mapping out my New Year Goals was to make sure they're manageable, realistic and not going to be some distant memory come February 1. I tend to dream big but I also suffer from analysis paralysis. If I get overwhelmed, I tend to freeze up and jump ship. Not this time. Baby steps.

Jessi's Goals to Get It Done in 2012

Dance

A couple things here... One, continue to reclaim my desire and passion to dance (see previous posts for background info on this one). I have a feeling that this will be expedited by simply by getting myself into a studio and/or class. Two, return to my roots. Once upon a time I was swingin', hip hoppin', African dancin', Capoeira-in'... My roots are calling me back.

Health/Fitness

My fitness is obviously intertwined with my dancing, so that's a given. Other little health things to make priority: remember to take my daily vitamins and supplements; up my daily fruit and veggie intake; be more creative with my meals-on-the-go and snacks, for both variety and nutrition. Allow myself ME-time sans guilt.

Work

Write more... and get paid for it. I've decided this is the year I will finally begin freelance writing. My blog is included in this. This week I've approached my blog like a job, adding it to to-do lists, brainstorming future post ideas and making it a priority. It's amazing what a difference it's already made.

** Those of you who earn $$ from your blog, do you mind shooting me a quick email with tips, suggestions, resources, anything that might help me get started, as I'm clueless... Thanks!! mamalonglegs78 at gmail dot com.

Begin my freelance choreography career here in li'l Fort Collins, CO... because every big name or star starts somewhere. And not that I intend or hope to be a star, I just want to earn a living doing what I love.

Community

I wasn't sure how else to categorize this one, but it runs the gamut: writing and sending thank-you notes, birthday cards, just because notes, via good old fashioned snail mail; actually picking up the phone and calling someone, instead of copping out via social media; weeding out pseudo-friends to make time for the real ones.

Finances

This one is BIG and the most important. This is the year I begin to knock out my debt with ninja fury. This daunting task will take me beyond 2012, but I have to begin. My finances are a hot mess and they have kept me bound and hopeless for too long. Oh yes, it is going to be so very hard and full of sacrifice and the word "NO", but so very worth it.

* * * * *

There you have it. So let's do this together, y'all. Let's encourage and support each other in our respective goals, giving each other some tough love when necessary. Because any lasting, significant change is never easy or convenient. As I say, DON'T THINK JUST DANCE. Substitute "dance" with whatever it is you are striving for. Believe me, it works. When I'm in an audition or about to go onstage and my nerves are threatening to make it all unravel, I say this to myself. When I stop [over]thinking and just DO it, the results are pretty spectacular.

DO IT!

xoxo

J

2012, the first days...

Happy New Year!!

Like many, I love the spirit of the new year, the feeling of a clean slate promising new beginnings, new opportunities, renewed goals...

Of course, several goals and challenges for myself are swirling around my head, yet to be put down on paper. That makes them more official, of course. I don't like to call them "resolutions". With the bad rap resolutions get, "goals" seem more organic and open to revision later in the year, yes? Silly semantics, I know, but it works for me, so go with what works, right?

But before I get to that, let's see what my first few days of 2012 involved...

Day 1
My first ever live Bronco game!! I know, I know... I'm well aware of our shortcomings this year - and why, HOW did we make it to the playoffs, just to be massacred by the Steelers next Sunday?? Oy... But I stick by my boys because I am a TRUE fan, none of this mamby-pamby, wishy-washy, I'm-going-to-bail-and-pick-a-team-that's-winning-this-season BS that some people I know have done. Two words on that: lame. sauce.

Anywho, some pics...

Us true Bronco fans still call it what it should be called, Mile High Stadium

Sorry for the sun glare - but look how close we were! Eighteen rows up!

At least the sunset was pretty... prettier than how our offense played (summer training camp, eh boys??)

Day 2
Boyfriend's birthday celebration! Can you believe that he's never had a birthday party?!? Yes, true story. Apparently birthdays are not important in his family from what he tells me. Case in point: he spoke with his mother and sister via Oovoo yesterday and they didn't remember it was his birthday until he reminded them. Total sacrilege in my world, omg. So I took it upon myself to throw him his first ever birthday party, which I made a surprise party, of course. He had no clue and was 100% surprised. I win!

I only snapped a few pics as I was running around playing hostess...

A simple but delish spread

He looks as if he's deciding if my funfetti cupcakes are safe to eat, lol!

Day 3
Today has just been back to business, with working, returning to teaching my beloved cardio kickboxing classes and a li'l blogging. The latter takes care of one of my goals: giving my little corner of the blogosphere some serious TLC. My 2011 blogging record isn't the most stellar. Let's see how 2012 goes.

Any exciting adventures for your first days of 2012?

xoxo
J

Forgive and forget ain't so easy

Throwing around the "forgive and forget" cliche makes the act of doing so sound as simple as wash, rinse, repeat. On the contrary, friends.

Oh sure, we can delude ourselves into thinking that forgetting about something that someone did that cuts into our hearts is just a matter of thinking about it, and boom, it's done. Maybe in some cases, in cases involving simple offenses that don't injure beyond a superficial scratch. But when harboring anger at an offense from months ago, a gash that is deep and throbbing, genuine forgiveness is more an act of daily exorcism.

Harboring bitterness, resentment and rage is so very toxic. Often we mistakenly believe that holding on to that anger will hurt the perpetrator in return for the pain they caused us. Oh, how deceiving that is. In all reality, we hurt - prolong the hurt - no one but ourselves.

It's hard to forgive. It is painful and tiring. It is a daily process until every last poisonous tendril is uprooted and healing can begin.


I did not realize until yesterday during a conversation with a very wise friend that I am very angry indeed. I've been harboring it for a couple of months. In doing so, I allowed it to grow, to fester, to permeate areas in my life that it did not initially reside. It's a tricky little thing, anger... entangles itself like a relentless vine, twisting and tangling over, around and through everything it touches. It makes sense, too, now that I think about it. I've been indifferent to things that normally snap my attention right up. Creativity and inspiration have been elusive, sporadic at best or simply resulting from necessity. I've avoided people to avoid addressing any heart matters or having to honestly answer "how are you?" inquiries (for I am a terrible liar). Oh, I've pretended to be tough, to be the stoic ninja that is incapable of weakness, and for awhile there I had quite a convincing act.

Ironically though, my behavior and attitudes toward things perplexed even me. I could not understand why I was completely indifferent to how my choreography project ended up last semester. Or why I cared less about how I performed in my modern dance final exam? Why was I counting the remaining months, weeks and days in the semester until it was over and I could get away from that place? Why now, knowing I should in the very least be doing barre exercises in my kitchen to maintain some level of dance conditioning over the break, can I not even bring myself to consider dancing without feelings of dread bubbling up? And most of all, where the heck did the sassy, doesn't-accept-defeat-without-a-good-fight ninja go??

Well duh.

The fact that I don't even want to dance kills me. And that angers me the most.

Sharing all of this with my friend, combined with his legit two cents on how to reclaim me, immediately lifted some weight and I feel lighter. And the instincts to fight and show 'em what's up started to resurface.... they're faint, but they're there.

I want my dance mojo back, dammit. And I'm going to get it.

Someone pleeeeeease buy me this tee...

xoxo
J

{Images via We Heart It}

I found Christmas spirit.... or did it find me?

The gingerbread men and peanut brittle didn't happen. No cards were sent out, electronic or otherwise. I didn't even get around to putting up my mini tree with it's fake mini presents that sit underneath... but Christmas was lovely. Any harbored anxiety that yet another bittersweet holiday would be my Christmas were dissipated by genuine laughter and good cheer amongst my family. Might I even say, the Christmas spirit that I longed for?

On Christmas Eve, Boyfriend and I, along with my brothers, sis-in-law and nephew, gathered at my Dad's for Christmas Part 1. Dad and his girlfriend made us turkey dinner, at my special request (I don't dig the Christmas ham thing), complete with my grandma's Christmas bread pudding with whiskey caramel sauce. That business is gooooood. And of course gifts, complete with the little liquor filled chocolates my dad gives us every year. Boyfriend got some, too.

Speaking of Boyfriend, this was his first Christmas! He's from Iran, so Christmas is not really celebrated in the predominantly Muslim country. Between the delish grub, the sweet art set my dad and his lady gave him and the comedy provided by my brothers, his thought was "I love Christmas!" Haha, oh Boyfriend...

Once adequately stuffed with turkey and bread pudding, it was off to my other grandma's house to meet up with Mom and her side of the fam for Christmas Part 2. More food, more vino, more gifts and much more laughter. It's amazing my abs were not sore yesterday.

On the brink of food coma, we trekked back home and collapsed. Christmas Day was quiet, just Boyfriend and I. We began the day with a nursing home visit with some of our church crew to bring the old folks gifts and Christmas cheer. Then we brunched at the dive diner my grandpa (the bread pudding grandma's sidekick) used to frequent when he was still alive. Totally unglamorous but special - I know Grandpa was there. Later that night, dinner was sushi and Chinese at one of the best Asian bistros in town.

It was a very merry Christmas.

xoxo
J

She's crafty

Or at least I want to be. I used to be all kinds of crafty when I was younger... I made throw pillows and cross-stitched little ornaments for my family as gifts. I made play sets out of random household items for my dolls and stuffed toys... Anyone play with Mapletown toys? I made them furniture out of things like empty thread spools and fabric scraps. Yes, yes, y'all, I was quite the cool kid.

Last weekend Boyfriend helped me drag my grandma's sewing machine up from my basement... it has been sitting down there for several years, following 10-15 years of collecting dust in hers. Sad, I know. It's a Kenmore from the late 1970s, I think (I'll have to ask my mom to be sure), and its nice and sturdy. Boyfriend cleaned and oiled it, getting it running again - well, he did break the needle in the process, but other than that, I'm golden.

Love the retro flair of this li'l work space

Honestly, though, I'm glad for the delay because I'm so intimidated by this! I asked for basic sewing stuff last Christmas, thinking that would be the impetus to get back into it, but all of it just sat in the basement alongside the machine. In classic Jessi fashion, I don't know where to start. I suffer from analysis paralysis. Where do I buy a replacement needle for the machine? How do I know what kind to get? I don't know what half the dials and switches on the machine mean and I'm sure the user's manual is long gone. I'm not even sure if I remember how to use this thing... Should I take a class? Surf YouTube for how-to videos? Wander around a fabric store until a store clerk takes pity on me and asks if I need help? I know that this will probably be a learn-by-doing situation and I just need to start with something... but I still get hung up by all the details and the anxiety of not knowing how to do it all. right. now.

Oooh, what delish organization, me oh my....

I stalk all of the DIY-ers across the interwebs, such as the amazing Maegan, wishing I was as talented and just knew how to make cool stuff. I dream of making things from hair accessories to shopping bags to {more} throw pillows to aprons to cosmetic bags to dance shoe bags to full out dance costumes. I think a DIY-er lives inside me, too, but she doesn't know how to find her way back to the surface. Maaaaybe I should stop being a spaz, take the first step and just make one of the projects I admire, yes??

And baby step numero uno should probably be replacing the sewing machine needle. Then get on the ball with some easy projects for my family's Christmas gifts... 'cause t-minus 10 days 'til the big day!

Any tips? Suggestions? Tough love, stop-being-a-spaz comments?

{Images via We Heart It}

xoxo
J

My favorite are the lights

The crazy, emotional breakdown-inducing semester has officially come to an end. A big thanks to those who left encouraging words in response to my previous post... I took to heart each one and am still pondering what's next. Further thoughts to come. In the meantime, it's time for Christmas!


I'm anxious to put up my decorations, start making gifts and begin some serious cookie and candy operations. Christmas for the past six or so years has been lacking in the spirit that I remember as a kid, and I really miss it. This is mainly due to a split family and the corresponding drama. Sure, sure, the magic you feel as a kid from believing in Santa and the insomnia-inducing excitement you experience waiting for Christmas morning is something that remains in childhood... but I think there are adult versions of Christmas magic and I'm on a mission to find it. (Wow, the cheese factor on that statement was off the charts, lol!) My family's sitch is what it is, and I know that all I really have control over is me and what I make of it, so this year I'm determined to reclaim some of the Christmas spirit that I've missed so much for too long.

{All images via We Heart It}

What are your Christmas plans??

xoxo
J

At a crossroads

Since my last post, I've been thinking and pondering and mulling over this next one. Ideas have been swirling around my head like a big pot of word soup, but I've been so loathe to put it on the table. Afraid, almost. Why? I'm not sure I even know. Part of me wants to just forget about it and move on to happier things, fearful of being uber-negative and turning off the few readers that may have stuck around once my posting began to be few and far between. But the other part of me feels like that's one big fat cop-out. This is life right now, my reality... Unless it's on stage in some fun costume and makeup ensemble, being fake really isn't my thing.

In my last couple of posts, I've alluded to some tough times this semester. It's been a roller coaster ride that's left me exhausted and reeling and wanting to leave this amusement park asap.

To refresh: remember that I took last year off of school, to take care of some financial things that prevented me from continuing. That was hard, but I worked with it, finding ways to keep dancing despite having to work a 9-to-5 desk job (read: dancer buzz kill). I took care of what I needed to take care of, and this past August I got the green light to register for classes once again. I was so excited to get back to business, finish my final two semesters and get on with my dance career at last.

That sunny, happy, skip around like a giddy school girl place? A silly day dream.

Fast forward to this moment. I am deeply disappointed. I am questioning whether I should have returned, was it even worth it. I am angry and resentful. And I am struggling to find any inkling of inspiration that may be left. I have reached the point of apathy and that is very, very sad to me. Frankly, it breaks my heart and my eyes sting with tears as I write this.

{We Heart It}

It wasn't a single, profound event that crashed my dance party. It was more like a virus, sneaking in, getting comfortable and taking root long before it's presence was realized or felt. But when you finally do realize, you're weak and ill-equipped to fight with your full potential. The environment in the dance department has been toxic... yes, a strong word, but when I survey the damages around me, that's the best word I can come up with... and frankly, I blame the leadership. I feel very strongly that those in a position of educating others have a big responsibility not only to impart knowledge, but also to encourage and mentor their students to do and become their best, to prepare them for the very competitive working world out there. The performing arts is a hard, cutthroat field, y'all. And I'm very sad to report that my professors are falling short.

I have tried. I tried all semester to give benefit of the doubt, hope for better, have compassion, but dammit I'm tired. There is only so much giving without getting in return that one person can handle. The apathy I mentioned earlier? Yeah. I'm at the point where I don't even want to dance.

There, I said it. I've been holding that in, ashamed to admit how I feel. But it's the real deal for me right now. And that completely sucks.

I still have much thinking and seeking to do. This isn't the grand finale of dance for me, but it's definitely a crossroads and I have some decisions to make. A big priority is rediscovering inspiration that will nurse my dance mojo back to health, and then go from there...

Thanks for listening, y'all.

xoxo
J

Laundry, Avon and an ice cream cupcake

Well, hello there!

Oh, it's been a doozy of a semester, which I will fill you in on at some point this week. My last, oh-so-happy post should give you an idea. But no whiney posts to begin the week... Thanksgiving Break has finally arrived and the Jessi we all know and love (read: happy) is returning!

I officially began the decompress process last Friday afternoon, the moment my last class ended. I shot out of there and haven't looked back. Oh sure, I should go to the studio and do some work to keep in condition, but I just can't yet. I'm trying to exorcise the bad juju that has accumulated over the last few months. Maybe tomorrow. Maybe.

In the meantime, I'm thoroughly enjoying hours of Food Network episodes, tackling the mountain of laundry that has been dominating my room, catching up on all of your lovely blogs, cleaning the house, actually preparing and eating real meals beyond tuna sandwiches and eggs and toast, reading, and the start of a Monopoly marathon with the bf.

This, my friends, is a little piece of heaven known as an ice cream cupcake. Yes, this happened last night.

I also spent time today on my Avon business, which has been sadly neglected - oh, and take a moment to like my new Avon FB page! I'm very happy I finally made it, took me long enough. I'm excited to get to the list of other things to help grow my business over the next few days as well. This includes figuring out all the nifty ways to maximize social media for my biz, as well as either creating a new Avon-focused blog, or doing some kind of regular Avon feature on this blog... haven't yet decided, stay tuned...

I realize I'm lucky in getting the entire week off (thanks CSU!), so many of you are not quite on holiday time yet... but regardless, what are your week's plans? Big shindigs or some quiet R&R??

Glad to be back, miss you all!

Happy Monday lovelies!

xoxo
J