When joy sneaks up on you

Sometimes simple joy sneaks up on you.

On Tuesday night, I spontaneously decided to attend a ballet class after having to miss my scheduled Monday night class thanks to an RA flare up. It was just a beginning, open adult class. Nothing fancy, no frills. Just good ol' fashioned plie, tendu, rond de jambe, et al. I didn't think much of it, no expectations beyond working on my standing leg and turnout.

I loved every minute of it.

I left class feeling light and full of light.

Ballet in Aspen, CO, circa October 2011. Miss those girls.

Such a pleasant surprise. And just what my spirit needed.

xoxo

J

Blog Hop: My Story

Today I'm sharing my story, how I got to where I am today and why. I'm participating in a Blog Hop inspired and hosted by Brigitte over at Unfettered Ink. When she shared her vision and invited others to join in the storytelling journey, I immediately jumped on board. Everyone has a story to tell and every story is important. Here's mine.

* * * * *

I'm a dancer. I will teach dance, choreograph dances and perform dance throughout my career. I'm about to venture out and begin this career, which is both exciting and completely terrifying. Upon learning that I'm a dancer and an artist, most people assume that I've been pursuing dance since I was a young girl. But I haven't. My first technique class was not until I was 28 years old. Say what?! Yep.

Let's back up a few years. I have always loved to dance. I inherited dancing genes... I have memories of my dad teaching me how to dance to oldies rock 'n roll in our kitchen. My mom loves to get down with her bad self. Wedding receptions were just big dance parties. I really don't remember ever not dancing. But I never was enrolled in formal dance classes as a little girl. We just didn't have the money. I played soccer instead. I loved soccer and was good at it, but oh how I wished to be a ballerina, too.

Fast forward: I graduated high school and started college. I signed up for extracurricular swing dance classes offered by the university's recreation department. Those classes were my initial launch into the dance world. Of course I wasn't content with simply learning and going out social dancing, so I busted my butt to join a troupe and began teaching and performing. Getting paid to do what I loved was amazing and surreal and a dream come true. But it was still just a hobby - a time-consuming hobby, but a hobby nonetheless - and nothing I seriously considered to attempt as a career.

Fast forward: it's summer 2007 and I was back in school trying to figure what to do with my life. I was quasi-following So You Think You Can Dance. I think it was season three or four. I don't really remember. What I do remember is one of the dancers. Her story completely caught my attention. She was on this show, yet she had only been training for about four years prior. Something inside of me turned on. I thought to myself, wait a minute, if she can do this, why can't I? I was a good dancer, I knew that in my heart. I also knew my passion for it. It was (and still is!) my heart and soul. I am absolutely happiest when dancing. So I made a decision to take a leap of faith. The next day I met with the head of the dance department to request to be a dance major. That fall, I donned my first ever pair of pink tights and black leotard and took my first ballet class.

Several of my friends thought I was crazy. I don't blame them. Starting ballet at age 28 is crazy... dance years are like doggie years and 28 is old! But I was determined. I needed to at least try. I would rather try and fail than not try at all and never know.

You know what? I didn't fail. I'm still here. Sure, it's been a very tough road. There has been plenty of blood, sweat, tears, ice and ibuprofen. But every minute has been worth it. And while I'm ancient in dance years (I'm now 33), better late than never, right?

One of the most important life lessons I've learned during this journey is that we are so much stronger and more capable than we ever give ourselves credit for. Just when we think we've reached the boundary, if we have just a little courage, even a tiny flicker, we discover that our limits are flexible and can be stretched to a new place. Little by little, inch by inch, we learn how much we can truly do and BE. Go ahead, try... there's nothing to lose, I promise.

* * * * *

Thank you for letting me share my story. I have been inspired by each of the stories that have been shared so far by the other Blog Hoppers, and I have a feeling you will be, too. Go visit Brigitte's blog to read some inspiring stuff!
 

And while you're at it, what's your story?

xoxo

J

New ballet shoes and bling

Life is so full and it just whizzes by with mere seconds to take a deep breath before diving back in. I try so very hard to capture in snapshots in my mind to share here on le blog. My memory bank is quite full these days and I can only hope to remember to share all that's happening. Here are a few things as of late....

More and more Pittsburgh apartment shopping. Today we finally got some positive responses - "yes, we're willing to rent to you via the Internet... please find the application attached..." Most responses have been hesitant or flat-out no's to renting remotely. I mean, I get it from a business perspective. I guess. But we're giving you our money, so... Fingers crossed today's finds work out!

It's been on national news, but in case you haven't heard, Colorado's mountains are burning everywhere. We have several fires right now, but the one closest to where I live is the High Park Fire. It burned over 87,000 acres, last I heard, and while it's now 100% contained, the entire state is still under a fire ban. Which meant no personal fireworks were allowed for 4th of July. My city cancelled fireworks all together, out of respect to those who've lost their homes and for the firefighters who have been battling the inferno. The neighboring city, which happens to be my hometown, did fireworks though, so we drove there to see the display. While my hometown itself is not my favorite (a story for another time), I'm glad we ventured down there. I love the 4th of July.

New shoes! It takes me forever to buy myself new ballet slippers, but my toes were poking out so badly I just couldn't take it anymore. I love how clean and pink they are when I first take them out of the box. I even love the process of sewing my elastics to fit my feet just right. Little things just make me happy!

This doesn't do justice to how holey those shoes are...

Pretty and still pink...

So do some bigger things... like this:

Yes, he put a ring on it!! We got engaged last Sunday, July 1st. I guess I can't refer to him here as Boyfriend anymore, now can I?  We're pretty excited. No date or set plans yet. You never know with me, so stay tuned :)

What have you been up to lately??

Happy Friday!

 xoxo

J

Love/hate

Ballet.

I love it, but I don't.

When done well, it is completely breathtaking. I first fell in love with the ballet when I was thirteen, when my uncle took me to see the Colorado Ballet's Nutcracker for my birthday. I left clutching the Nutcracker doll he bought for me with stars in my eyes, imagining myself to be one of the ballerinas floating around stage in a sparkly tutu and glittery tiara.

Never did I realize how technical and demanding and difficult ballet was/is until I started taking it two years ago. I will admit that as I got older and started playing sports, I got cocky, thinking, "oh, ballet dancers... what a bunch of ninnies... play a real sport..." Psshh. I had no idea. NONE. When I started taking ballet two years ago, I acquired an entirely new appreciation for the ballerinas (and guy ballet dancers), for under all that glitter and sparkle is hours, months, YEARS of hard, hard work. Harder than anything I have ever known. Soccer and tennis and softball ain't got nothin' on ballet.

Consider this: a dancer not only has to rock it physically and mentally like other athletes, but they also have to pull it off with panache and artistry in order to make it look effortless and beautiful.

But even with my newly acquired respect for ballet, ballet and I aren't the best of friends. I do it because I have to, because I should... it is the best technical foundation for all my other forms of dance... but that sucks, because I would like to say "I do it because I want to" (god, even maybe "like" or "love"). So far, that hasn't been the case.

I'm not great at ballet and it frustrates the hell out of me. I want to be good at ballet. I hate not doing something well, particularly when it's something I care about. Granted, I started this technical dance adventure (I did dance before that, just more vernacular street styles) at the good ol' age of 28 - it's not like I've trained in ballet since I was young, which would have allowed my body to "grow" into the technique. So I should give myself some breathing room. But I don't. I want my feet to point more than they do, I want beautiful arms and hands, I'd like my legs to stay turned out as I do the exercises...

None of these are impossible to attain, and I'm working on them. Every. Single. Day. But goddamn, it's slow, and I'm not a patient girl.

My struggle with ballet is also influenced by my ballet teachers here at school, who have kept me in the same level I started at two years ago. Now I know my ballet technique is far from perfect and I have many miles to go on this road of pointe shoes and tutus, BUT I shouldn't be in this class anymore. I know it, my peers know it. It's ree-donk-ulous. And hella frustrating. I only get so far in learning because I keep starting over again each semester. I'm stuck in some alternate-universe ballet twilight zone.

But then something happened... the planets aligned just so and I enjoyed ballet today... I had FUN. I felt GIDDY afterwards. All thanks to the State Street Ballet Company who stopped in the FoCo on their tour and taught a master class, giving us CSU students a taste of what it's like to actually enjoy a ballet class.

Not only that, though... I am usually so discouraged in my ballet classes, always thinking I suck so badly, but today was different. I kept up with everyone just fine. And at one point during the class I thought, I can do this, I can do ballet. If I really busted my ass, I could actually get shiz done in ballet. Seriously. The dilemma is getting out of this cursed beginning level...

Tonight I get to see them perform Cinderella! I am so excited. I get to go to the ballet!!! I'm anticipating feeling the usual butterflies I get when I go to the ballet... a mix of wanting to dance like those girls on stage, as well as the simple magic that is the ballet. At least for me. I love it.

Reality Check Monday

* I intended to post this Monday night, but was too exhausted to finish it then, so I left it until today...

Last night my summer ballet class started. I was really looking forward to it, excited to have another dance class added to my schedule and help get rid of the Bad Funk. I've also been worrying about staying in shape for Chicago, so I knew this would help me stop fretting a little bit. I was also a little nervous since I haven't done ballet in a month. I wasn't too worried about being out of shape... I've stayed active with hip hop, conditioning exercises and my Tae Bo videos for cardio. My concern was that I'd be slightly out of practice technically, plus I was (and still am) hella-uber sore from hip hop on Sunday, so I knew I wasn't going to do stellar. But it was only the first class back after a mini-break, and the teacher knew that so she shouldn't be too hard on us, so how bad could it be?

Let's just put it this way - I got bitch-slapped by ballet.

The hip hop soreness did not help, of course, but I'm pretty confident that my experience would have been no different had I felt fine.

My legs felt like they weighed 5 tons each. My turnout was, um, a bit lacking. I apparently left my brain somewhere else, because I couldn't remember the combinations to save my life. I was so discombobulated it was as if my brain and body were separate entities. My brain: "demi plie into releve, another demi plie, then grand plie... okay, got it." My body: "what's a plie? what is this 'ballet'? why am I wearing tights anyway?"

It was pretty pathetic and I was rather embarrassed. And I am SO GLAD that Professor C is offering these classes this summer, because I don't even want to think about what it would have been like getting to Chicago without taking technique classes beforehand.

Our professors are always telling us that dancers do not get to take time off. The Artistic Director of Diavolo, Jacques Heim, told us the same thing last fall when he and his company came to CSU to set a piece on us. He said that while everyone else with "normal" jobs get vacation time and weekends off, dancers don't. Ever. Not if you want to keep your job.

Time off to rest and rejuvenate is important, yes, and they do tell us to make sure we give our bodies downtime, but what they mean is we can't take huge chunks of time off and think we can come back and pick up where we left off.

And we all know this in our heads, but we quickly forget so getting a reality check every so often does a dancer good. While I had good intentions doing what I've been doing to stay in shape, and they have helped keep me in general condition, I was naive in thinking that they would keep me in dance condition.

I definitely was not the only one in the Reality Check Boat. One girl told me she has been biking, hiking and running, thinking she was doing such a good job of staying in shape. She mentioned her surprise to Professor C at how not in shape she realized she was during class despite all her activities. Professor C told her about some study done years ago to find which sports/activities required the most stamina, strength, flexibility, mental focus, comprehensive use of all the muscle groups, all at the same time, and only two won the prize: fighting (I assume this means martial arts) and dance. And so therefore, the only way to stay in that caliber of shape is to do the activity itself.

Silly, silly Jessi.

I have my excuses/reasons/justifications for why I wasn't doing ballet to stay in shape for ballet... the never-ending reason being money. "I can't afford to take classes at other studios, blah blah blah..." This limitation is very really for me, there's no doubt about that. But I can't let it keep me from moving forward and working at my craft - not if I want to succeed. I realized last night that it's not excuse enough. Okay, so I can't afford to take class besides what I've planned for, so then I do ballet in my kitchen after work at night. Its not ideal, but its better than not doing it at all. I also know that since I'll mostly be doing modern in Chicago, that means I also find a way to work on modern technique in the next three weeks.

So I accept the very humbling lesson learned here. I get very frustrated with my financial situation, but I have a choice: I can either fester in the frustration and work myself into deeper frustration, or I can use the frustration as fire to fight. I'm a fighter, so it's time for the gloves to come off.

Men in tights, and other dance notes

Lots of dancing these days. Yes, I dance on a daily basis, but there are a few extras as of late...

Last Friday was all about the ballet. ABT II made a stop in Fort Collins and the company taught a master class at CSU during the day. In the evening they performed at the Lincoln Center. I was nervous for the class because, well, it's ABT II and these dancers are just one step away from dancing in the principal company, ABT. In a nutshell, the class was fun, ass-kicking, and completely humbling. It was a reminder of how much more I need to learn, how much harder I should and can work, and how little I should eat. KIDDING on that last one. But seriously, those girls were rails. It blew my mind! I'm thin and I know that I don't need to be losing any weight, but those girls made me feel bad about myself and I questioned everything I was about to eat the rest of that day. I thought I was immune to that kind of thinking, as I have a very healthy appetite and am not ashamed of it nor do I ever deny it, but apparently being around almost inhuman ballerinas can mess with my head, too. Geez louis.

[Note: I have since stopped feeling guilty about eating, and have resumed my regular every-three-hour meal schedule.]

And what about men in tights? WELL. The men in the company were unreal. Their legs and bums were strong, toned and simply delicious. Let's just say that several of us gals were perfectly content to sit on the sides while the men leaped and jumped and turned across the floor in their tights, amazing muscles bulging. Mm-hmm.

So that was my Friday. Good times.

Switching gears from ballet to hip hop... tonight was hip hop rehearsal, and the crew is getting ready for a show which will be this next weekend. The routine gives me a good whoopin', but I love it. I do a little capoeira and the rest is b-girlin'. Now, a disclaimer must be inserted here: I very much consider myself a b-girl-in-training. I don't have the skills yet to rightfully label myself a bonafide b-girl. I still have so much to learn. And maybe I'll always consider myself a b-girl-in-training, but that's a-okay. I'm also nervous for our show, as there will be other hip hop crews there, most of whom are very experienced and the hip hop culture is a tough crowd. The crew I dance with will be the youngest as far as experience goes... BUT, that said, I'm totally excited and I think we'll hold our own. M.o.Funk represent!

Last but not least, I have my modern midterm tomorrow morning. I'm feeling good about it, so no worries there.

Well, that's all the dance news for now. Stay tuned for more up-to-the-minute updates...

A Friday rant: Professor J

For those of you who follow me on Twitter, you know how much I complain about ballet. It's a constant struggle on ballet days to get myself emotionally psyched to tolerate this class. And when it comes down to it, it's not ballet itself that makes me crazy - it's my teacher. She's the devil.

I used to like ballet. When I first came to the program, all bright-eyed and naive, I thought ballet was just great and since Professor J was the teacher, I respected and trusted her without giving it much thought, naturally. That's what you do, right? Unless someone gives me a reason not to trust them at the get-go, I give them benefit of the doubt that they're A-okay.

Well, slowly but surely over the course of three semesters with her, the blinders were peeled away from my eyes, and at some point last semester my breaking point was reached. All the snide comments, dramatic changes in mood, disrespect, the conditional double standards, the unprofessionalism... everything gradually built up and I finally began to see the real Professor J.

A week or so into the semester, I began to think maybe I just didn't like ballet. I started accepting that maybe ballet and I will never be anything more than two entities that tolerated each other because we had to. Then the department's ballet mistress substitute taught our class one day, and that idea was tossed out the window. Same thing, this past Monday... one of the advanced ballet students taught our class, and I left class high on endorphins and loving dance, just like I do every other dance class. It's not ballet. It's Professor J.

What does she do?? Here are a couple examples:
* Today in class, while demonstrating the footwork in one exercise, she was very unclear on the counts and timing. One of my classmates asked if she would do the counts. Instead of clarifying what she wanted, Professor J simply stood there, looked at my classmate as if to ask "are you stupid?", and just started counting out loud: "1, 2, 3, 4, 1, 2, 3, 4..." Gee, thanks Professor J, that clears it up for me, I'm sorry for being so stupid.
* Professor J substitute taught the advanced ballet class yesterday, and someone in that class told me that, at the end of class, Professor J decided to have a powwow. In a nutshell she told them that when hiking or biking up a hill, it is more difficult when you carry extra weight... she then followed up her little analogy by stating, "but don't get an eating disorder or anything." Um, excuse me? Is she allowed to make analogies alluding that we're overweight?? Wow.

These are just two examples. I could list hundreds more. If I had a dollar... no, a dime... for every comment or attitude like this from Professor J, I'd be out of debt.

And for the record, I'm not so naive to think that the real dancing world is not hard, fickle, demanding and very political. Please. I'm well aware of what to expect when I get out there. With Professor J, though, I'm talking about treating people with basic respect. I'm talking about standards. I'm talking about doing the job you're getting paid to do. When someone makes you loathe a class, self-doubt your own potential and validity, wonder if you should transfer to another school, etc., there's a problem. A BIG one.

Looking ahead to this semester during Christmas break was dismal and disheartening. Each week begins the same, as does each ballet day. That makes for one loooooooong semester.

What's the solution? I'm not sure. I have to take ballet. I'm stuck in her class this semester. I could say that I'm going to bust my butt to move up to the next level for next semester, and I am, but it doesn't seem to work that way. Her mood and whim in the moment seem to determine whether or not she allows people to move up. But I can't take another semester with her!!! I'm going nuts! If she tries to keep me in her class again, she will be getting a fight from me. I know I'm not delusional in thinking I should be in a different class. People in the upper level classes tell me so.

So. You want to play games, lady? Bring it. Game ON. I've had it.