Balance

We Heart It

Earlier this week, I posted the above photo to my Facebook page, writing, "desperately trying to keep it together, but teetering on the edge of crazy"...

There is no balance in my life right now. I am exhausted on so many levels. I'm not enjoying much of anything, which is sad because I usually quite enjoy this time of the year. Summer is my favorite, but fall is a very close second. All things that make me love fall - yellowing and falling leaves, crisp air, scarves, sweaters, chai, soup, baking, cooking, apples, Halloween, haunted corn mazes, Sunday football - are either non-existent in my life or have no happy effect on me. I feel like the season is whizzing by and I'm missing it all.

I was so very excited to return to school and finish my degree. Yes, I am excited to get the degree and move into the working world of dance, I'm just not enjoying this last leg of the journey. I hate admitting that, I really do. This is supposed to be my love, my passion... I also hate admitting it because I was so excited to quit my 9-to-5 and get back to business with what I love.

I should qualify that statement... There are aspects of school and dancing that I am eating up and can't get enough of. I do enjoy being with my dance family full time again. I do love not sitting at a desk for 8 hours a day at a job that is just a job. I love (some of) the dancing itself. But there are other aspects that are causing me some serious resentment and anxiety. Almost everyday I have a pep talk with myself, telling myself to buck up and adjust my attitude. But it's a struggle.

Oh and the giving my car away and bike riding full time thing? Yowza, it's getting harder and harder. Biking after a long day of classes and rehearsals is so very hard, and the cooling weather is not helping. I want to be stronger and superhuman-like, pretending that all is okay, but damn I miss my little Honda.

I am le tired.

Sorry that my first post since July (!!) is quite a downer. These days I have to take it one day at a time so as not to repeat the melt down I had last weekend (it wasn't pretty). I'm so very thankful that I finally had nothing to do this afternoon, and I've been laying here on my bed for the last several hours, dorking around on the interwebs while munching on white cheddar flavored rice cakes.

One day at a time...

xoxo
J

I am the worst blogger of all time

Okay, maybe that's a bit of an exaggeration. But seriously. I meant to write a post all about the Aspen adventures of last week, but other things distracted me this weekend... sleep, laundry, the BF, rehearsals, sleep... so, it's postponed yet another day. Sorry my loves.

So much is on my mind, though. SO. MUCH. So I'm thinking a brain-dump here on the ol' blog might behoove my quality of sleep tonight. Here goes...

Money is a nasty li'l beyotch that I'd love to punch square in the throat. I'm having some big money troubles, and had to call a family member to ask for help. I hate asking for money. HATE it with a fiery, burning passion. Especially because I'm 30 and should not have to call home for money. So lame. And humiliating. I also spent the day wracking my brain and scouring the apartment for stuff I can spare in the way of selling... camping stuff, rock climbing gear, my drawing table (that one kills me)... I've even gone so far as to considering selling my car. But I don't think that's really a good idea. I think that's the desperation talking.

I haven't been to hip hop class/rehearsal since, oh, sometime in late August or early September. Can't remember, it's been so long. And for anyone who knows me or who has been following me for awhile knows that my hip hop is my church. Why have I been foregoing Sunday night church? See above said money probs. My car is in need of major, hella expensive repairs that I'm nowhere near affording, and driving my Civic on the interstate would be playing a game of Russian roulette at 75 mph - I'd like to live to see 31, thankyouverymuch. Oh, and the car repairs are not what I had to call home asking for money for... the car is #2 on the big-ticket list. SIGH. So yeah, not happy about my absence in hip hop-alicious.

Student Dance Concert is this week! Tech rehearsals tomorrow night, dress rehearsal Wednesday night, then show time Thursday and Friday. Thank god it's almost over. I've struggled with this one... struggled with choreography (remember the case of the missing dance mojo?? Yeah, it never really fully showed back up...), struggled with time, struggled with being happy with what I have to present to the masses come Thursday, worried about if my friends and fam will like it... or rather, worried that they'll just think it sucks. Oh, the life of a perfectionist!

Not sure why, but today I really started jonesin' for a New York minute. The BF and I were talking about life in general last night, and I suddenly remembered that I almost moved to NYC back in 2003 (or was it 2004?). I had forgotten all about that. Wow, what the hell would I be doing now if I was kickin' it in the Big Apple?? Probably trying to be a writer of sorts (that's my first degree, btw). It's kinda fun to think about, but also kinda sad because I chose not to go for a guy I met around that time, and we're clearly not together anymore. Not the first or last time I changed or neglected my own life plans for a guy... and clearly that's worked out so well for me... but I digress. A couple weeks ago the BF and I were talking about winter break plans, and a short trip to NYC came up... I've always wanted to see New York around Christmas and/or New Years, and he's never been there. And since he and I didn't get to go on our li'l weekend excursion, we thought, let's save our money and make NYC happen! How much fun would that be?!? Great idea... until above said money probs decided to be a little beyotch and rain on my parade.

[Doc? May I have a prescription for this??]

So. Hopefully my pissy 'tude doesn't scare you all off, and hopefully this stress-mind-dump will help ensure that I will pass out into blissful slumber with no problems. Wish me luck.

Look, no hands! Wheeeeeeee!

It's October 1st!

And I'm already counting the days 'til November 1st... le sigh...

Don't get me wrong. I love October. VERY much. I adore Halloween, harvest festivals, caramel apples, hot apple cider, haunted corn mazes (omg, luuuuv haunted corn mazes), falling leaves, baking, carving pumpkins, scarves and sweaters wrapped cozily around my body... I think October would be a perfect month to get married in someday... similar to the way December feels with Christmas and New Year's, October has this magical feel for me...


But since I've returned to the land of college, October is the busiest - the BUSIEST - month. I hate it. My stress levels reach their all-time peak. And then I subsequently gorge on candy and junk food, and since it's Halloween month, there's plenty of that hanging around. I don't get enough sleep. And then my immune system goes to hell. And then I get sick. Last October, I got tonsillitis somethin' fierce. Right before the Student Dance Concert, in which I was dancing a solo. AND on the weekend that Mr. Prez Obama visited Fort Collins on his campaign tour. I was too sick to even attempt seeing him. I was pissed. Thanks, immune system.

I will not get sick this month, I will not get sick this month, I will not get sick this month...

My head is constantly spinning with all I have to do these days. I'm barely keeping track of it all. A few weeks ago this really frustrated me, as I like to have some sense of control of my schedule... but this week I realized that control is probably way out of my reach this semester. So instead of fighting it, I think the best option is to let go and just enjoy the ride.


I can tell I'm getting overwhelmed, because I really want to ignore my school projects (costume sketches, choreography...) tonight and just kick back with my magazines, a book I'm trying to read and just have some quiet me-time.... maybe I can talk the fella into giving my sore back and shoulders a rub-down...

Happy almost-Friday, right!??!

xoxo J

Checking in

Despite my intentions to write something everyday, my poor blog gets neglected anyway. I wish for more followers, but passers-by are not going to linger for long if regular updates are lacking. So for the umpteenth time, I'm claiming that I will try to do better.

So I thought I should check in. What's happening in my world these days? Here is an at-a-glance update... (and please forgive any incoherence, as I slept terribly last night and have been in a very thick, exhausted fog all day... I'm surprised I'm still awake, honestly...)

Daily life is much less eventful (hectic?) without school demanding this and that. I go to work at my desk job in the morning, arriving sometime between 8 and 9, then leave around 5 p.m. I do various things in the evenings... workout, cook dinner, watch SYTYCD, work on various projects... It feels so slow, even boring, after the go-go-go pace of the semester. But I'm trying to appreciate the calm, as the go-go-go storm will be back before I know it.

T-minus 28 days until I'll be in Chicago for my dance intensive! I'm excited and nervous all rolled into one... I can't wait to eat Chicago deep-dish pizza, ride the El (Chicago's train), and see my friend D, whom I will stay with for the month. Dance-wise, I'm really looking forward to learning A LOT and getting to know the company better (networking, networking). I hope to return home a better, stronger dancer, ready to rock it at school in the fall. On the other hand, a constant stream of questions roll through my head... am I working out enough to stay in shape? Am I going to suck in the intensive classes? Are they going to regret inviting me to the intensive? What's the El like, anyway? Similar, better or worse than NYC's subway? Will I have enough time and money to sight see? Clubs? Lake Michigan? Gifts for family and friends?

And then there are the BIG questions that caused me to jolt out of bed this morning in a panic... I only get paid once this month (something the University does each year that coincides with it's fiscal year-end - long story that I don't even fully understand), so can I afford everything this month??? Plane ticket? New leotards and tights? Ballet classes to keep me in shape? Gas money? Groceries? A haircut? Father's Day for my dad? My normal monthly bills??? I'm stressing, there's no doubt about that.

[Good lord, no wonder I didn't sleep last night.]

I scoped out Craigslist again today to see if there are any part time jobs on the weekends, but no dice. I'm very hesitant to find a part time job in the evenings because then my training/conditioning/ballet classes get compromised, and that's not a very good idea at all. Asking for money, whether through "sponsor letters" or setting up some kind of donation thing here (I know people have done this)? Ugh, that gives me serious anxiety. Donating plasma even crossed my mind, but the thought of doing that just makes me want to throw up and pass out, so I don't think that's a wise choice. [I'm not a good needles/blood/body fluids person, especially when done to me - and to think I considered a career in nursing twice upon a time.]

I'm trying very hard not to let my stress cross-over into freak-out territory, but it's difficult holding on to my sanity when teetering on that edge in an exhausted state.

If anyone has any suggestions, ideas or words of encouragement, I'm all ears!!

Job-hunting

Don't worry, I haven't lost my job.

[Although I did make an oops at work today, upsetting my boss - talk about a stressful afternoon, ugh.]

I'm perusing Craigslist for a part time job for the month I'll be in Chicago. All my dance classes will be in the evenings, so a part time job during the day is possible - AND necessary.

I hate job hunting. I don't think I'm very good at it, especially at exhausting all the resources out there, as well as marketing myself (I start playing the self-doubting game). And searching for employment in a city I'm not familiar with is daunting. I know people do this all the time, but I don't so I'm not feeling the most confident.

And I haven't even begun the search for a place to stay. UGH.

I'm also stressed and overwhelmed with making all the pieces fall into place... and of course, money is at the root of it all. I have tuition covered, but there are so many other things to think about... can I find a part time job here before leaving? where will I stay in Chicago? how will I afford it? can I really find a month-long part time job? am I going to be able to afford a plane ticket? what about food? and clothes, damn I need dance gear... I need to keep training and conditioning so I'm in shape when I get there, so how can I afford dance classes between now and then with all else I need to find money for? ... and on and on and on...

It all makes me want to throw up a little. And cry.

I can do this, I know I can do this... but god, the stress in doing it...

Zero to Sixty to Mach Ten

I'm in the home stretch of the semester.

This week is the last week of classes. Next week are finals. Per the status quo in the dance department, our finals begin this week. My first was this morning.

Monday arrived and I went from zero to sixty. As scheduled.

Then, upon receiving an email this afternoon my week suddenly shifted into hyperdrive. I have much more to do this week than originally anticipated. Such is life. And more on this later.

I will most likely be MIA this week as I scramble to get things done, assisted by caffeine, chocolate and motivating tunes on the iPod.



See you all on the other side...