Friday, October 14, 2011
Earlier this week, I posted the above photo to my Facebook page, writing, "desperately trying to keep it together, but teetering on the edge of crazy"...
There is no balance in my life right now. I am exhausted on so many levels. I'm not enjoying much of anything, which is sad because I usually quite enjoy this time of the year. Summer is my favorite, but fall is a very close second. All things that make me love fall - yellowing and falling leaves, crisp air, scarves, sweaters, chai, soup, baking, cooking, apples, Halloween, haunted corn mazes, Sunday football - are either non-existent in my life or have no happy effect on me. I feel like the season is whizzing by and I'm missing it all.
I was so very excited to return to school and finish my degree. Yes, I am excited to get the degree and move into the working world of dance, I'm just not enjoying this last leg of the journey. I hate admitting that, I really do. This is supposed to be my love, my passion... I also hate admitting it because I was so excited to quit my 9-to-5 and get back to business with what I love.
I should qualify that statement... There are aspects of school and dancing that I am eating up and can't get enough of. I do enjoy being with my dance family full time again. I do love not sitting at a desk for 8 hours a day at a job that is just a job. I love (some of) the dancing itself. But there are other aspects that are causing me some serious resentment and anxiety. Almost everyday I have a pep talk with myself, telling myself to buck up and adjust my attitude. But it's a struggle.
Oh and the giving my car away and bike riding full time thing? Yowza, it's getting harder and harder. Biking after a long day of classes and rehearsals is so very hard, and the cooling weather is not helping. I want to be stronger and superhuman-like, pretending that all is okay, but damn I miss my little Honda.
I am le tired.
Sorry that my first post since July (!!) is quite a downer. These days I have to take it one day at a time so as not to repeat the melt down I had last weekend (it wasn't pretty). I'm so very thankful that I finally had nothing to do this afternoon, and I've been laying here on my bed for the last several hours, dorking around on the interwebs while munching on white cheddar flavored rice cakes.
One day at a time...