Trust and jump

So, I've been writing blog posts in my head all week, but somehow never got it down on cyber-paper. A summary of what's been on my mind this week...

On Monday I stared ahead at the work week with dread... 5 whole days, are you serious?!? Yes, yes, I know... at least I have a job, and it's a flexible, decent-paying-for-being-a-student-hourly-job at that. But I'm struggling. I've been struggling with it since I've returned from Chicago. REALLY struggling. I'm stuck between boredom and guilt and paying my bills and fear and feeling like I'm going batshit crazy in the cave all by myself. I'm trying to be grateful, I'm trying to stop complaining, I'm trying to get motivated by finding new projects to keep me busy and distracted... Epic fail this week, schmeh.

And then there were the glimmering rays of inspirational sunshine that shone through the office-cave gloom... I attended a small business networking event early in the week to spread the word about an arts and culture group that I'm a member of, called Articulate City (the website will be up-and-running soon!). I also passed out business cards for my dance company, The Rhythm Company. Not only did I get all jazzed about the two businesses I was networking for, but I was also incredibly inspired to think about me and my own future business... being a li'l entrepreneur has always been what would just naturally happen "someday". I've always envisioned working for myself in some creative, artistic capacity... or several, really.

The problemo, however, is myself. I'm not sure if I've ever mentioned this here, but my first degree is in English/Creative Writing. I've fantasized about being a freelance writer for the big glossy magazines for years... YEARS. Article ideas pop into my head all the time... but then so does the doubt. And the whole, "oh, I can't shoot for the moon right out of the gate, so I better start small and safe..." There is another writing project, too, one that I allowed myself to start outlining and brainstorming about five years ago, before I freaked out that I might be full of myself to think that little old inexperienced, insignificant me could dream so big. (Omigosh, just thinking about this project gives me the butterflies...)

Now, hold on right there, missy... I thought you wanted to be a dancer?!?

Yep. I do. But I also want to write. Choreograph on the page, if you will. And design. And craft. And cook (have I mentioned that when my body craps out on me, I want my own cooking show on Food Network???). Alongside being the Artistic Director of some dance company. Oh, and I haven't even added being a wife and mom in there... Oh, I have a whole cache of pipe dreams.

[I'm curious - are they called "pipe dreams" because the dreamer is seen as crazy, like she is smoking something?!? 'Cause I'm sure some of you may be thinking I am smokin' somethin' gooooood with all these crazy ideas and dreams... My head feels like it could explode thinking about all I want to do!]

If I can go after my dance dream, why can't I go after the others?? Why do I listen to the fears and doubts?? I feel like I'm on the brink of something big when I start thinking about all of this... things start buzzing and stirring inside, like the engines are firing up and getting ready to rock and roll... and all I need to do is trust and jump... trust and JUMP...

Adventures in Chicago: you are stronger than you think you are

This is the fourth and final week of the intensive and my time in Chicago! I would be lying if I said I was sad about it - I'm freakin' excited!!

I started the week with the attitude that I was on the downhill side of things and I could relax. BIG mistake. The week has turned out to be like climbing a very tall mountain - you're almost to the summit, so you think the last hundred yards will be a walk in the park, but suddenly the normal path with a gradual elevation gain you've been climbing turns into an almost-vertical boulder field that you must scramble up. Oh goody. You look up at it feeling discouraged and like the mountain won. That's been my week.

I thought I was past feeling beat up and inadequate after the first week, but this week brought on another round of serious self-doubt. Sure, Aunt Flo's presence probably had something to do with my lack of thick skin, but I know she was not the only culprit. Monday night we did a run-through of the show and it wasn't so hot - the big boss man was there, meaning the artistic director of Deeply Rooted... I will just say that this man's presence is awe-inspiring and intimidating and humbling and stress-inducing all at once. He's very tall, he's big and muscular, he's very talented, and he has no qualms of screaming at you if something is even slightly amiss. We were all completely on edge. Tuesday night the entire ensemble rehearsed the final piece in the show, called "Heaven", and the big boss man was in charge of this rehearsal. You could hear everyone's nerves buzzing in that studio. There were multiple reprimands and stopping and re-starting. I was so stressed that I would mess up that I did mess up, a lot. Getting kicked in the head was just the icing on the cake.

Yesterday morning I had a total emotional break down. I just cried and cried and cried... oh, it was one of those fall-to-your-knees-and-put-your-head-on-the-floor kind of cries, no holding back. I felt like I couldn't do this anymore, that I'm not strong enough, that maybe I should reconsider a career in the performing arts. I entertained thoughts of just packing up and heading home. I thought about just focusing on next Tuesday, when I get to go home, numbly going through the motions in these last rehearsals and in the show to make it through. I thought about using getting kicked in the head as an excuse as to why I wasn't working as hard anymore. I felt like shutting down, totally giving up and walking away. Whatever excuse there was, I pondered it.

But then I thought, if I give up, then what?? If I give up just because it's hard and because I'm not sure I have the energy to do it anymore and because I don't think I have the strength to push through to the other side, then am I not just settling for a life of mediocrity?

The answer is YES.

Why live like that????

I'm serious, y'all. Why live like that?? I encourage all of you to peel away the layers upon layers of excuses and doubts and fears and lies you tell yourself as to why you can't do something, accomplish something, pursue something, become something. The peeling process is going to hurt. It's going to hurt badly and it's going to be scary as hell. Trust me, I've been living it for the past three and half weeks, and I have a feeling that it's not over yet for me... But YOU ARE WORTH IT. I am worth it! I would say that a lot of what holds us back in life is nothing other than ourselves.