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Saturday, December 3, 2011

At a crossroads

Since my last post, I've been thinking and pondering and mulling over this next one. Ideas have been swirling around my head like a big pot of word soup, but I've been so loathe to put it on the table. Afraid, almost. Why? I'm not sure I even know. Part of me wants to just forget about it and move on to happier things, fearful of being uber-negative and turning off the few readers that may have stuck around once my posting began to be few and far between. But the other part of me feels like that's one big fat cop-out. This is life right now, my reality... Unless it's on stage in some fun costume and makeup ensemble, being fake really isn't my thing.

In my last couple of posts, I've alluded to some tough times this semester. It's been a roller coaster ride that's left me exhausted and reeling and wanting to leave this amusement park asap.

To refresh: remember that I took last year off of school, to take care of some financial things that prevented me from continuing. That was hard, but I worked with it, finding ways to keep dancing despite having to work a 9-to-5 desk job (read: dancer buzz kill). I took care of what I needed to take care of, and this past August I got the green light to register for classes once again. I was so excited to get back to business, finish my final two semesters and get on with my dance career at last.

That sunny, happy, skip around like a giddy school girl place? A silly day dream.

Fast forward to this moment. I am deeply disappointed. I am questioning whether I should have returned, was it even worth it. I am angry and resentful. And I am struggling to find any inkling of inspiration that may be left. I have reached the point of apathy and that is very, very sad to me. Frankly, it breaks my heart and my eyes sting with tears as I write this.

It wasn't a single, profound event that crashed my dance party. It was more like a virus, sneaking in, getting comfortable and taking root long before it's presence was realized or felt. But when you finally do realize, you're weak and ill-equipped to fight with your full potential. The environment in the dance department has been toxic... yes, a strong word, but when I survey the damages around me, that's the best word I can come up with... and frankly, I blame the leadership. I feel very strongly that those in a position of educating others have a big responsibility not only to impart knowledge, but also to encourage and mentor their students to do and become their best, to prepare them for the very competitive working world out there. The performing arts is a hard, cutthroat field, y'all. And I'm very sad to report that my professors are falling short.

I have tried. I tried all semester to give benefit of the doubt, hope for better, have compassion, but dammit I'm tired. There is only so much giving without getting in return that one person can handle. The apathy I mentioned earlier? Yeah. I'm at the point where I don't even want to dance.

There, I said it. I've been holding that in, ashamed to admit how I feel. But it's the real deal for me right now. And that completely sucks.

I still have much thinking and seeking to do. This isn't the grand finale of dance for me, but it's definitely a crossroads and I have some decisions to make. A big priority is rediscovering inspiration that will nurse my dance mojo back to health, and then go from there...

Thanks for listening, y'all.



  1. Darkness will go away and the sun will shine again, when dawn arrives...

  2. Just an observation: but do dance and school HAVE to go together? Additional observation: I adore you and think you're the, Jessi. I would love to see you back in your happy place, but a wise woman once sang "you take the good, you take the bad, you take them both and there you have The Facts of Life!" I hope you get some Tootie in your Blair soon; if you wanna grab coffee sometime, let's! I love arriving at a crossroads -- it's where you see all your options and can pick a horizon. Mwah.

  3. Stick with it. I'm serious. You're not alone in calling your dance department toxic. CSU dance departments are full of favoritism, petty politics, back biting, and unqualified teachers. BUT... it is the gateway to a future in dance. I'm serious when I say that if you want to continue in dance you have to push through. They will not prepare you for the dance world as they are not a conservatory or a private school. But they will prepare you for graduate school and that is key now in the professional world.

    My advice is it to take a summer intensive at a professional company or conservatory. That's the real dance world and is a better test to see if you want to be part of it. It will also better prepare you for it.

  4. Crappy leadership has such a strong affect on inspiration to succeed. I ran into a similar problem last year. Thankfully, it worked itself out and I hope that your situation will too. Try your damnedest not to let this bring you down!

  5. hy i dont know me but i also love to dance only that i dint have the ambtion to do something about it and the right money so u go girl i love music i love going to church i love avon just like u ,i love the backstreet boys , i love my husband and i love to dance when nobody is around love ya god bless if u need a friend i am here 4 ya ,any prayers that u need dont feel ashed let me now hope to be friends adriana!