... dance, fitness, food, health, life...

Thursday, June 28, 2012

Putting it out there

Boyfriend and I finally got down to business with hunting for a place to live in Pittsburgh today (t-minus 5 weeks y'all!). We spent a huge chunk of time searching the web, making phone calls to rental companies and sending emails... ugh, exhausting. We're running into a huge problem with rental companies not wanting to rent remotely. We just didn't have the money to fly out there to find a place in person like we hoped. Oy. He eventually had to leave for a work meeting this afternoon, so when he left I changed gears and began the search for a job. I'm now on the verge of tears.

I'm so overwhelmed and discouraged. I poured over craigslist, I tried finding dance companies, gyms and fitness centers with open positions, and then I finally gave up and started looking for general admin-type jobs at universities and such. I know what I need - a big girl paycheck so I can start knocking out my debt - and what I want - a big girl job that uses my mad skills and interests. I want to like what I'm doing. I'm so tired of jobs that I could care less about and completely lose interest in in a matter of months (sometimes weeks!). I want to be happy and make money. Am I hoping for too much?

Boyfriend keeps reminding me, "patience and persistence, love". I know. I know that people who have their ideal job, who love their work, who are doing what makes their souls happy, did not get there right out of the gate. I know it takes hard work, sacrifice and small baby steps to reach a dream. Get-rich-quick scams are just that: total BS. I know this, I'm not living in a dream world. Nor am I trying to get rich. I just want to be out of debt so, so badly, it hurts. I also would like to finally start my career, not just hold a job. I'd really like to do both, at the same time.

What exactly is my career? Well. That adds another layer of confusion. I wish it were as easy as "I'm an accountant" or "I'm a doctor". I want to dance. I want to make dances. I want to write about dancing and making dances. I want to teach people how to dance and how to be healthy and fit. I want to create workout programs to help people be healthy and fit. I want to write about this, too. I have ideas, people. I have plans and dreams and ideas. So, how about this: I'm a dancer-choreographer-health-and-fitness-freak-artist-writer. Try fitting that into a neat 'n tidy 9-to-5.

So what to do?? One person's advice is to find a neat 'n tidy 9-to-5 with benefits to pay the bills and feed the debt monster, one I can forget about when I clock out at 5 o'clock so I can focus on creating the dancer-choreographer-health-and-fitness-freak-artist-writer. This seems wise and logical. But I know me. I know that as soon as I feel my job sucking my soul, I check out. I feel like such a bad employee when I do that. Oh, I still do the work, but my heart just isn't into it.

Le sigh. I know what I need to do. I'm no stranger to sacrifice and hard work. Thanks for letting me vent and process.


1 comment:

  1. Oh sweetheart, I wish I had words of comfort for you. All I can say is that you have so much potential and whatever you choose, you are a woman of heart and will should always follow it.
    You have already accomplished so much... remember that.