A little TLC

You know, I've been struggling lately with motivation and confidence in my dancing. It started about a month ago. I'm not really sure why or how, but I've been experiencing some serious self-doubt.

In a couple weeks, the three seniors who are graduating this semester will have their senior dance concert (the equivalent of a senior thesis or project). I'm dancing in one of the ensembles, and tonight we had a tech rehearsal for the dance faculty.

After the group I'm dancing with finished, one of my friends who had been watching said, "Jezzebel" (his nickname for me), "I just love watching you dance." It was so sweet and unexpected, I got all flustered! I thanked him and sat down really quickly - I think I was blushing because everyone else was sitting around and heard it. When they all had gone to get ready for their ensemble, I gave him a hug, thanked him, and told him how his compliment made my heart grow just a little bit bigger. It's the little things...

Dance = joy

Today I watched students in the "Understanding Dance" class perform their big semester choreography project. The class is for non-dance majors (although some dance majors do take it). It was so much fun to watch what they created. Some students were very timid and others completely hammed it up, but either way all of us dance majors who watched cheered them on and hopefully encouraged them to just have fun. I think they all did a great job!

Their professor, Mr. T, said something that I strongly believe to be true: no matter an individual's skill level or "expertise" with dance, dance touches something within us that brings us unadulterated joy. And this joy is universal, bridging gender, race, culture, sexes, generations, etc.

I experience this joy when I'm doing hip hop, swing, and African. I feel it from time to time in modern, but ballet hasn't yet touched this part of me. A big contributing factor is the music - if there is a drumbeat or some kind of hard-hitting rhythmic percussion, it moves me from within. It's like the music is my heartbeat and I can't help but move.

The Godfather of Soul, James Brown, summed it up well: "Get up offa that thing - dance and you'll feel better!"

Church

For some people, Sundays are church days. (Disclaimer to any non-Christian-tradition readers out there: I realize there are religions that observe the sabbath on different days, in different ways. This is from my Christian perspective background, so please bear with me.) I grew up attending church on Sunday mornings myself, but things have since changed for various reasons. I won't discuss my religious and spiritual evolution over the years - that's a long blog in and of itself - but I want to comment on what church means to me now.

I've come to believe church to be a place where an individual seeks and attains spiritual fulfillment. For some that may be a traditional church building with pews and a pulpit. For others it can mean a walk along the beach, sitting atop a mountain or simply just taking a walk. My church? Hip hop on Sunday nights.

What??

Yes, hip hop. I've been attending Sunday evening hip hop classes in Denver for a little over 2 years now, and each and every time has been church for me. It purges bad moods, bad attitudes, and anything else I may be harboring. It's cathartic. It fills up my well. I can leave for Denver in a bad mood, not wanting to make the drive down there, but each and every time I come home in high spirits.

I didn't make it down today. Darn school deadlines...

My day off

Saturdays are my designated day off from dancing and physical activity. My body needs rest and time to repair so it can keep going strong week to week. I might do some light stretching, but not much beyond that.

My Saturdays typically entail working a few hours, tackling some schoolwork if I'm motivated and disciplined (which isn't often, actually), and hanging out (which does happen often).

This weekend is quieter than normal, which is nice for a change. Most the time my schedule is jam-packed. I'm so busy throughout the week that I think I have all this time over the weekend, so I fill my schedule with all sorts of to-do's, so it just ends up like my week! And this includes social activities. I tend to forget to allot downtime for myself. Saying yes to everything is a hard habit to break, and it doesn't help that I'm such a busy-body-social-butterfly type. If I don't have much going on, I tend to feel guilty about it, thinking "Oh my god, I shouldn't just sit here and relax, there are things to do!!" It tends to be a recipe for burnout. I guess I just need to learn to allow myself downtime sans guilt. It's a learning process, that's for sure.

Little gifts

Today I was given a little gift in the form of normal ballet class being cancelled for a floor barre day, which just means a special stretch day. It was exactly what I needed.

Funny how God/the universe/fill-in-your-higher-power-here just knows what you need, and if you ask, there's a darn good chance you'll get it. I haven't had the best week. Really, I haven't had the best past couple of weeks, thanks to a li'l personal matter. I'm definitely not my usual happy, spunky self these days. Today was no exception. As I was driving to ballet, trying to keep it together so I didn't show up to class with puffy, red eyes, I sent up a little prayer to please just help me make it through the next couple of hours without a glitch. I needed ballet to take it easy on me today.

I got there, started gearing up in my tights and leotard when I overheard something wonderful: "Today is a stretch day. Professor Ballet said so yesterday." Really?? Music to my ears and relief for my body and mind! Stretching felt so good. It was meditative, and I can honestly say I felt a teensy bit better as I drove back to work. At least the knot in my stomach is gone for now, and no overwhelming urge to start sobbing.

Oh, and my knee started bothering me yesterday, too, which has me worried. So the stretch day gift was two-fold for Long Legs here. Thank you!!

Just checking in...

Man, I am a bad, bad blogger... I read other people's blogs daily, and if my regulars don't post daily, I get impatient waiting for their next installment. I'm such a blogging hypocrite! (Okay, so this makes it seem like I'm bonafide spazzing out about this, but really, I'm just being dramatic in true Jessi fashion).

It's not like I don't have anything to say or talk about. Blog-worthy things happen everyday in my li'l dance world... classes, rehearsals, choreography, projects, professors who are really starting to tick me off. But for some reason, I just don't sit down at my computer and write it down. Isn't this blog supposed to be a chronicle of my adventures as a dance major??

Well, it's NaBloPoMo, a.k.a. National Blog Posting Month. While November is almost half over and I've missed 12 days worth of posting, I will join up in the spirit of my blog - better late than never!

Here's to my attempt to post something everyday for the rest of the month! Wheeeeeeeee!

May I introduce Mr. President Barack Obama?

Focus and trust

I've learned a lot from Diavolo in the past week, and I didn't even dance with them! But their presence really impacted me as far as re-evaluating and thinking about what I want to do with my dancing, what it will take to get there, short and long-term goals, my attitudes, etc.

First off, watching rehearsals with the dancers that did make it into Diavolo's piece made me realize how much focus is involved with a company of that caliber. They do some incredibly high-energy, acrobatic, borderline dangerous stuff, and if you aren't focused 100% all the time, you could cause an injury to yourself and the other dancers. Everyone in the piece talked about how intense rehearsals were, and they had the bruises and very sore muscles to prove it.

At the end of class one day, our pedagogy teacher commented on everyone's focus at these rehearsals. In a nutshell she was saying how our focus is something to access when necessary, but she doesn't believe in always "living in the moment" and constantly being engaged in that way. Turn the focus on when in class, at rehearsal, choreographing, off when doing the everyday things like driving to work, cleaning the house, doing laundry. Shifting to autopilot for the everyday tasks reserves our focus for what feeds us. I thought this perspective was incredibly insightful. And helpful. Why expend energy on things that don't matter that much? I only have so much energy and focus to use in the first place, so why not use it efficiently?

The other little nugget of wisdom I took from Diavolo was the idea of trust. After the performance last night, the cast did a Q&A with the audience. Several people asked Diavolo about how they are mentally able to dance and turn and jump off of the huge structures they use in their pieces (check out the huge boat in their "Trajectoire" piece - http://www.diavolo.org/fs_main.html). One girl said it comes down to trusting yourself. She said that when she got on the boat for the very first time, her reaction was to stiffen up. But then she remembered that her body will instinctually know what to do, and she relaxed and was fine. She trusted herself. She trusted her body.

Wow, that really hit home for me. I thought about things I struggle with and get so frustrated about - balancing on my left foot, maintaining correct posture when turning, just to name a couple - and a huge light-bulb flashed! All of my struggles are related to trust. I struggle with things because I don't trust my body like I should. I clench, tense, hold my breath... no good. I think "I can't do this", which just manifests itself in my body. If I think that, then, well, I'm not going to do it. I just set myself up for failure.

These little epiphanies have renewed my dedication to busting my ass and getting things done. No more fretting, no more destructive self-talk, no more excuses. Trust your body. Focus your energy on what's important. "Just fucking do it" Jacques kept saying to the dancers all week. Oui, Jacques, I will just fucking do it.

Sacrifice

Two days ago I auditioned with Diavolo Dance Theater, who are the guest artists performing at CSU's University Center for the Arts Grand Opening next week.

Before we started dancing, Jacques Heim, Diavolo's artistic director, gave us a little pep talk. Essentially, he talked about sacrifice and what it means to make sacrifices as an artist. Or rather, an artist who makes their art their career.

I listened with rapt attention. What he said resonated in me. He articulated what I feel inside my heart when I think about my life and future as a dancer.

He told us that as artists, we will make all kinds of sacrifices for our craft. These sacrifices may center around money, time, relationships and a slew of other things. We will struggle with money, as most artistic careers are not accompanied by tons of cash, except for the lucky few. Weekends or days off become non-existent. We may put certain relationships on hold (I think of marriage here) in order to pursue our art. And while those around us may think us crazy, self-centered, delusional, etc., for making such sacrifices, he said that any sacrifices we make are worth the world and more to those of us called by art. We need our art to live, to breathe, to experience life at its fullest.

I wanted to yell out "amen!", but held back in order to not draw attention to myself.

I'm no exception to making sacrifices to pursue this life. I sacrifice money (see my previous "Money Matters" posts). I sacrifice time to myself, time with friends and family, time to sleep, cook, shop, read, watch TV, write, etc. I've sacrificed forging ahead to Married-Land so I can focus on school and my career.

(Sidenote: I used to be the typical late-twenties gal who would freak out about meeting Mr. Right, settling down, and having kiddos. Since I've embarked on this dance career adventure, I've since tossed those ridiculous fears out the window. And honestly? I'd rather do what I'm doing and wait a little longer to have a hubby and kids. I LOVE my life.)

So yes, I make sacrifices everyday, and based on what Jacques said, I will continue to do so as long as I decide to keep riding the train that I'm on. I might as well get comfortable because my stop won't arrive for awhile yet.

The countdown begins

Forget March Madness. What about October Madness?!? October is not typically nutso, but this one is crazy! I have midterm exams, a solo to choreograph, papers to write, a grand opening at our new performing arts building, performances to go see, master classes to take... all this squeezed into an already crammed schedule of regular classes, rehearsals and work.

When I get home from work in the evenings, usually around 6 o'clock or so, I have about an hour to two hours to kill before I have to head off to some rehearsal. I can't tell you how much I want to join my roommate on the couch to catch all the new fall shows. Or cook dinner! I miss cooking. Cooking these days doesn't go much beyond grilled cheese, instant soup, or bulls-eye toast (the toast with a hole cut out of the middle where you fry an egg). No time for TV or cooking shenanigans, no ma'am! I fry up my egg or heat my soup and march myself to my bedroom to scarf dinner while working on some paper or assigned reading. What a good li'l student I am, eh?

Ah well. The song and dance of a college student. At least I love what I'm doing in school! (That's probably what gets me in front of my computer or in the studio in the first place, instead of parking it on the couch.)

Oh! On top of it all, its HALLOWEEN!! I have 30 days to figure out what I'm going to be and get a costume together. This is serious business, folks. Halloween is in the top 5 of my fave holidays, and it just might trump Christmas. One friend sent me a link to an Olive Oyl costume (from Popeye). Not sure about that one, unless I had someone to be Popeye. But JBF doesn't do dress-up. (I love JBF, but c'mon, where's his sense of fun and adventure and make-believe?? So lame.) I can't be a zombie a la "Thriller" because I've been there, done that. I've also been and done an angel, a gypsy and a pirate. Think, think...!

Anyone have any cool, fun, easy and cheap suggestions?? We're working with a small budget, very little time and very few sewing/crafting skills here, but there's got to be something cool despite the limitations.