Waiting in the wings

Let's take a pause from all these Hungry Dancer posts, shall we? I mean, I have all kinds of HD posts in the queue and more being conjured up in my brain at the rate of my Twitter feed. But let's take a moment to discuss the reason for this blog's existence in the first place: DANCE.

Until last week, the last time I danced was the end of July. The dance hiatus has made me feel like I don't have much to talk about. Which is silly, really, considering there are all kinds of dance-related topics I could cover. More truthfully, though, my lack of dancing has some crazy negative psychological effects, which then affect my blog productivity. Namely, I start questioning if I can really call myself a dancer if I'm not currently dancing, so if I can't call myself a dancer then how can I write about dance and life as a dancer if I'm just one big fraud? Oy.

It's all complete baloney, of course. I know this. But as we all know, sometimes it's really hard to turn off the internal trash talk.

Also? I'm up against a couple of real-life obstacles that are making things difficult.

Numero uno: money. Long story short, I have yet to find employment, and until I do, we're living on Hubs' grad student stipend. As such, there is zero wiggle room in our budget beyond the basics. That means no dance classes, no social dance nights and no seeing dance performances (and there are all kinds here in the 'Burgh that I'm itching to check out!). Boo, yes. But reality bites sometimes.

Numero dos: my health. I was diagnosed with rheumatoid arthritis (RA) earlier this year. RA is an autoimmune disease that can be lived with pain and symptom-free, provided you're under a doctor's care. Another long story short, my medical care and medication was interrupted over the summer. Thus, my RA started flaring right about the time we arrived in Pitt. This RA business is no joke. Oh my goodness, the pain. For example, say my shoulder joint is inflamed. It feels like someone is trying to tear my arm off of my body. And the daily recommended dose of ibuprofen barely touches it. It's terrible. My doc back in Colorado graciously extended my prescription for me for a couple of months until I find a doctor here. It's starting to help, slowly, but it is still a toss up every day whether I'm going to wake up pain free or not. This one's a toughie, y'all.

So. Spending freeze. Pain. Bad little voices in my head. I'm up against some serious biz here, but I'm learning some important lessons along the way. For one, I'm learning to roll with the punches. Life is what it is right now. While I have no control over some of it, I do have control over me. How I react. My attitude. What I do with my time. Time is a precious, elusive gift - how often do we complain that we don't have enough time?? I've been given this gift and I'm not going to take it for granted. I'm also getting to practice patience, understanding that my time will come when the time is right.

Stretching and waiting to dance... and for the bus.

While a dancer waits to go onstage, she stands in the wings, preparing for her entrance. She mentally reviews the choreography and timing and the emotion she is to convey. She continues to move to keep muscles warm, supple and ready for action. She is alert. Waiting is not passive. It is eager and anticipating. Waiting in the wings is significant as it determines what happens onstage.

Up next: Africa saves the day. Again.

xoxo

J

To thine own self be true

Last week I found myself stuck. Frustration and impatience were at their peak. I was tired of being at the mercy of the bus' timetable, tired from the lack of structure or schedule to my days, tired of not having a job, tired of my people being so far away, tired of not dancing, tired of being in pain (my RA is flaring), tired of obsessing about the technical details of my blogs, tired of writer's block, tired of feeling disconnected from this new city I call "home". Just tired. Schmeh.

And then the light bulb went off.

While I do have to consciously exercise patience for all of the above on a daily and sometimes minute-to-minute basis (oh to be a naturally patient soul), remembering that everything is a process {impatiently rolls eyes}, none of the above were the true cause of my frustration.

The culprit? Me. I've been trying to be someone else. That sounds so silly, but it's true. I've been trying to be who I think I should be to succeed in this or that, or to make so-and-so happy or like me. But guess what? It's not working. And I'm unhappy and crabby and so bored.

Having a car, a job, multitudes of friends, the best blogs in the land, perfect health and a jam-packed dance schedule, while nice and admirable things to work toward, are not going to make me genuinely happy. Being ME will.

Duh, right?

So. As I continue this journey of landing a job, improving my blogs, finding my people, building a community and getting inside a dance studio, I need to remember who I am. Remember what it is that ignites my soul. And if I attempt something that feels unauthentic, I need to walk away. Just say no thanks with grace and move on.

xoxo

J

Student Dance Concert, check!

The concert went great!! After a hot mess of a dress rehearsal Thursday night, both Friday and Saturday's shows were stellar. There is an adage in the dance world that says a horrible dress rehearsal means a great show, and I'm so glad it held true. Feedback from many people was that it was one of the best concerts they've seen at CSU! Yay!!

As promised, here are some pictures from the weekend. First, some outfit pics. S and I introduced the show each night, so we got all dolled up for our speech...

Friday night... no injury was going to keep me from rockin' the boots and LBD!

Saturday night... sunshiney happiness for S and another LBD for me

I heart my LBD from H&M

Not sure if you can see in the second or third pic, but yes, we are wearing tiaras...


One of the dancers gave S and I Easter baskets filled with candy and all kinds of other fun stuff, including our "SDC Director" tiaras... so fun!! I wore it alllllll night :)

The giver of the tiaras

Can't forget the quintessential locker room picture...

Me with the lovely J

Of course, if I wasn't a gimp I would have pics of me in fun dance outfits and me actually dancing. Next time...

Update on the hammy... it still bothers me, but the initial scary pain is gone and I'm finally walking normally. It's a slow process, though, and you'd be surprised how many basic, everyday movements require a healthy hammy... um, picking something up off the floor? Getting into the car? Putting on pants?? Sheesh! At this point it bothers me most when I'm sitting at work or in the car. That seems strange, but the injury is near my sit bone (in the butt region), so it's not surprising. I've started alternating heat with ice, and still on ibuprofen for inflammation. My PT gave me a couple new exercises, that are supposed to strengthen the area. But this doesn't mean they are weight bearing or anything... they are very simple exercises that suddenly aren't so easy. I'm still not dancing this week and I don't know yet when I can start transitioning back to it. I have an appointment with the PT next Tuesday, so she'll reassess where I'm at then.

I'm getting really antsy with not being able to do anything. It's funny how quickly your attitude changes once you can't do something... before the injury, I would sometimes whine about how tired or sore I was, secretly wishing for a class or rehearsal to be canceled so I could park it on the couch. Now I'm hyper aware of everyone who can do anything physical... watching my peers in rehearsal, people running or biking as I drive around town, my BF going to the gym... it sucks. So yeah, lesson learned to be grateful each day for the ability to dance in class or rehearsal. You never know when it will be taken away, even in a temporary situation like this.

xoxo
J

Reality Check Monday

* I intended to post this Monday night, but was too exhausted to finish it then, so I left it until today...

Last night my summer ballet class started. I was really looking forward to it, excited to have another dance class added to my schedule and help get rid of the Bad Funk. I've also been worrying about staying in shape for Chicago, so I knew this would help me stop fretting a little bit. I was also a little nervous since I haven't done ballet in a month. I wasn't too worried about being out of shape... I've stayed active with hip hop, conditioning exercises and my Tae Bo videos for cardio. My concern was that I'd be slightly out of practice technically, plus I was (and still am) hella-uber sore from hip hop on Sunday, so I knew I wasn't going to do stellar. But it was only the first class back after a mini-break, and the teacher knew that so she shouldn't be too hard on us, so how bad could it be?

Let's just put it this way - I got bitch-slapped by ballet.

The hip hop soreness did not help, of course, but I'm pretty confident that my experience would have been no different had I felt fine.

My legs felt like they weighed 5 tons each. My turnout was, um, a bit lacking. I apparently left my brain somewhere else, because I couldn't remember the combinations to save my life. I was so discombobulated it was as if my brain and body were separate entities. My brain: "demi plie into releve, another demi plie, then grand plie... okay, got it." My body: "what's a plie? what is this 'ballet'? why am I wearing tights anyway?"

It was pretty pathetic and I was rather embarrassed. And I am SO GLAD that Professor C is offering these classes this summer, because I don't even want to think about what it would have been like getting to Chicago without taking technique classes beforehand.

Our professors are always telling us that dancers do not get to take time off. The Artistic Director of Diavolo, Jacques Heim, told us the same thing last fall when he and his company came to CSU to set a piece on us. He said that while everyone else with "normal" jobs get vacation time and weekends off, dancers don't. Ever. Not if you want to keep your job.

Time off to rest and rejuvenate is important, yes, and they do tell us to make sure we give our bodies downtime, but what they mean is we can't take huge chunks of time off and think we can come back and pick up where we left off.

And we all know this in our heads, but we quickly forget so getting a reality check every so often does a dancer good. While I had good intentions doing what I've been doing to stay in shape, and they have helped keep me in general condition, I was naive in thinking that they would keep me in dance condition.

I definitely was not the only one in the Reality Check Boat. One girl told me she has been biking, hiking and running, thinking she was doing such a good job of staying in shape. She mentioned her surprise to Professor C at how not in shape she realized she was during class despite all her activities. Professor C told her about some study done years ago to find which sports/activities required the most stamina, strength, flexibility, mental focus, comprehensive use of all the muscle groups, all at the same time, and only two won the prize: fighting (I assume this means martial arts) and dance. And so therefore, the only way to stay in that caliber of shape is to do the activity itself.

Silly, silly Jessi.

I have my excuses/reasons/justifications for why I wasn't doing ballet to stay in shape for ballet... the never-ending reason being money. "I can't afford to take classes at other studios, blah blah blah..." This limitation is very really for me, there's no doubt about that. But I can't let it keep me from moving forward and working at my craft - not if I want to succeed. I realized last night that it's not excuse enough. Okay, so I can't afford to take class besides what I've planned for, so then I do ballet in my kitchen after work at night. Its not ideal, but its better than not doing it at all. I also know that since I'll mostly be doing modern in Chicago, that means I also find a way to work on modern technique in the next three weeks.

So I accept the very humbling lesson learned here. I get very frustrated with my financial situation, but I have a choice: I can either fester in the frustration and work myself into deeper frustration, or I can use the frustration as fire to fight. I'm a fighter, so it's time for the gloves to come off.