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Thursday, July 30, 2009

Telling the ants in my pants to chill out

I started a post this afternoon talking about how restless I am now that I'm back to sitting at my 9 to 5, and then I've just been plopping myself on the couch when I get home and watch SYTYCD. I had a whole list of gripes and explanations for my gripes, but as I drove from work to meet a friend downtown for her birthday, I decided to scrap the whole thing. Sure, I'm itchin' to move and can barely sit at work all day without getting a tick, but you know what? I have much more to be grateful for than to bitch about...

Number 1, I just returned from one of the most amazing growing experiences of my life. I got to dance almost everyday, learn new techniques and skills, polish the skills I already had, make new friends, network with an amazing dance company (um, hello, potential future employer?!), work with renowned choreographers... I got a glimpse into the real, professional dance world, and know now that I can hang once I get out there... I learned that I'm much stronger and worlds more capable than I ever gave myself credit to be... I now know that I really can push through the pain, physical, emotional, you name it... I learned to stop comparing myself to others and to dance my own body... I learned that "can't" is a word teachers and choreographers won't hear and they expect you to just do it, no excuses... I reaffirmed that I am so on the right life path, no matter what the doubters and haters say...

Secondly, I made it home safe and sound. I have a job to come back to, one that is uber-flexible with my hella crazy dance schedule and pays pretty damn well for a student hourly position. I now have the opportunity to give my body the down time and recuperation that it needs (I'm doing the ice/heat/ice thing for my ankles and feet as I type) before I jump into my next dance projects. Not allowing the time to heal invites more serious injury to come right on in... not good for my future career.

The last time I danced was last Saturday night. With each passing day this week I've felt more and more guilty for sitting around all day and then sitting on the couch at night. Plus, I've been eating out of boredom. Ugh. I believe I used the words "fat and lazy" in my description to a friend about how I'm feeling and my fears that my hard-earned toned bod is turning into a mushy blob. In so many words, he told me I'm silly. He's right. Since it still hurts a little to walk (the ankle) and I still can't wear certain sandals because they hurt my feet, I think I'm allowed a little time off. I just need to cut myself some slack and let myself b-r-e-a-t-h-e.... I go back to hip hop on Sunday, so I will get back to business soon enough.

This might sound crazy, but I feel like a new woman. My experience in Chicago was transformational. Maybe this sounds all deep and philosophical and teetering on the border of crazy to some of you, but I'm serious, I don't feel the same as I did before I left. I feel like priorities have shifted, attitudes, beliefs... something inside me has seriously shifted. I wish I could better articulate what I mean and what I feel, but that's all I can give you right now.

And to think my trip to Chicago almost didn't happen... wow.


  1. "All deep and philosophical and teetering on the border of crazy"

    You took the words right out of my mouth! ;) Okay, not really. I'm glad your trip was such a good experience and that you feel you really grew in you dancing. I (not being a real dancer) thought you were doing pretty cool stuff before, I can't wait to see what you've got up your sleeves now. :)

  2. hey thanks for the note! I've read Cry the Beloved Country a few years ago, and totally agree with you, great book!! I've never read Ayn Rand, let me know how you like it!

    returning "home" really is a great feeling :) enjoy your break from all your hard work!