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Thursday, January 15, 2009

The mean reds

Holly: You know those days when you get the mean reds?
Paul: The mean reds, you mean like the blues?
Holly: No. The blues are because you're getting fat and maybe it's been raining too long, you're just sad that's all. The mean reds are horrible. Suddenly you're afraid and you don't know what you're afraid of. Do you ever get that feeling?
{scene from Breakfast at Tiffany's (1961)}

Yes, Holly, I do.

I'm one of those people who remembers my sleeping dreams. Quite well, actually. They are detailed, imaginative and very, very real. It's as if my subconscious never grew up past the make-believe part of childhood. Sometimes this is okay, when my dreams are wacky and off the wall and I wake up amused with my imagination. But other times its really not okay. Sometimes my dreams are bad, scary or downright disturbing. Lately my dreams have been in the latter category.

Now, I don't think dreams predict the future or anything wackadoo like that - and thank god, too, or else there would be some crazy shit going down in this world if my dreams came true - but I do believe they are a good representation of what's going on in my emotional life. So my bad dreams as of late are an indicator that not only am I stressed and anxious about something, but I'm REALLY stressed and anxious.

I don't sleep well when I have upsetting dreams, either.

Such has been the case for about a week now. Maybe more, I don't know. When you're going on the upteenth day of poor sleep and bad dreams, time just blends together. Wait, no, I remember going through this around Christmas and over that weekend. So yes, its kinda been ongoing for several weeks now.

Last night's dream was no exception. I dreamt that I was driving to work in the morning, and on my way, the streets were filled with tons and tons of dead geese. (There are hundreds of geese in FoCo right now, per the status quo for this time of year - I mean, they are everywhere!) All the dead geese had been run over and killed by cars - some were half-flattened, some were fully flattened. There were blood and feathers everywhere. It was creepy. And I was the only one on the road as I drove to work. No other cars or people around. I was completely devastated about the geese and very upset. I was almost to work when I passed this one goose who had been flying around trying to find her mate. She found him on the side of the road, and as she nudged him with her beak to see if he was still alive, he shuddered a bit and then died. Then I woke up.


Last night's dream has been the creepiest so far. All my other dreams have been about people I actually know, and while they've been upsetting, no death and gore has been involved. So far. Ugh.

Needless to say, I didn't feel so great today. My back is incredibly tense and I've had to hold back tears all day. I don't know what's going on, but this sucks. I want to sleep. And I don't want the mean reds anymore!

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