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Monday, April 6, 2009

A rant: my nerves

My nerves will be the death of me. Or more accurately, the cause of my inability to find employment with a dance company in my future.

Let me back up.

This afternoon I auditioned for CSU Tour Dance Company. This pre-professional company travels around Northern Colorado doing mostly dance education outreach to schools. They also travel to large events like festivals in Aspen, Colorado; the American College Dance Festival, which was in Tennessee this year; and a modern dance festival in Mexico. Learning the repertory, traveling and performing are all great things to have on the resume, and many professional dance companies ask that auditioning dancers have touring experience. So, it's kind of a big deal.

I decided to audition just last week. I've been going back and forth about it for weeks and weeks, but last week I finally thought that the benefits of auditioning far outweigh my insecurities ("I'm not good enough", "I'm not experienced enough", blah blah blah...). The worst they can say is no, which is no different than me not trying out at all. And I get auditioning experience to boot.

After today I decided today that I need much more auditioning experience so I can figure out how to use my nerves to my advantage.

I was SO nervous. Now, anyone who knows me knows that I have a tendency to get nervous, even for things I shouldn't be nervous for. Like swing dancing - I have danced long enough that I could do it in my sleep. It's just how I roll. And for the most part, the adrenaline I get from my nerves help me perform better once I get going. But there are times that my nerves are so bad that they sabotage me.

Like today.

This tends to happen with things that I really care about and want to do well with. I wanted so much to have a great audition, but I left fighting back tears because I was very unhappy with how I did. I didn't feel like I presented a true representation of what I can do, my passion and my potential...All because of my stupid nerves!!! And I'm so mad at myself about it.

I need to figure out a way to get a handle on my nerves instead of letting them control me, or I'm not going to do well with future auditions (and those will be so much more important).

The optimist in me is trying to retaliate, though... I know I'm my own harshest critic. And there are spots in the company for "apprentices", which I'd be just as happy with. So, we'll see.

But I'm still mad at myself. Hmph.


  1. Hang in there. I personally know how amazing you are. Your nerves will get less and less in the way as you do more auditions. Your confidence is huge on the dance floor. Is there any way you can tap into that confidence? maybe reflect for a bit on what makes you so strong when you are dancing and try to interject that into your interview. I am super impressed with all you have accomplished- and even tho you have not arrived where you want to be, You are living your dream. This is part of that. Some people pass on what they truly desire, for whatever stupid reason. But you - You are driving on toward you dream. Don't stop, let the tears fall if you must, but, let the sun set on today / rise again tommarow and know: you are good at what you do - driven to do it - a living a dream that most aren't brave enough to pursue.


  2. @ Anonymous
    Wow, thank you!!!
    ... But, who are you, "Anonymous d"?? I have several friends with names that could start with D...